i don't wanna jinx it but i have an inkling that maybe, possibly, sorta, kinda i feel like i might actually be getting better at life. okay, don't quote me. i can't handle that kind of accountability. claire is my most trusted partner in crime in my life. why? because she actually has experienced first hand how much of a roller-coaster i am and how much i seem to contradict myself following a real life-lesson.
this is usually how it plays out: i do dumb things, i feel stupid for doing dumb things, i repent, i feel empowered to not do that dumb thing again, spill to claire how i'm really ready to put it behind me and learn from that mistake, & then, well, i repeat. the entire thing.
& claire is the one that has seen me through that process, and still high-fives me when i go to her about how ready i am to be "better at life" (& no one should ever view life as i do like thinking that there is some sort of ultimate goal to reach in perfecting yourself as a human being. there isn't. i don't think we're ever going to get there. i think that's part of my problem.) even though she probably has a sneaking suspicion that i won't actually follow through with it. like my mom says, we try our best to weed out the crap we can, but like a dog goes back to it's vomit, we may forget just how bad the consequences were last time, or we may think we're invincible for some reason, & go back to our shameful ways.
i kinda use the "work-in-progress" line as a cop-out because it's such a forgiving way to explain my stated above state of being. the raw version is: "i'm brutal at learning from my mistakes, doing the right thing, and living for the greater, long-term, & deeper rewards in life." i'm just bad at it. maybe it's because i have a terrible memory or maybe behavior modification doesn't work on me as well as it does on other people.
maybe right now, things are going to get better. maybe i don't know why. maybe because it's my first time genuinely trying to be single. & it's just me, my mistakes, & that guilt... & no one to forgivingly hold me through my messiness. please don't get me wrong: i don't think it's healthy to hold on to guilt so that you avoid your worst habits like the plague. but i do think it's good to use that feeling of guilt as a memory to guide your future choices. although i do enjoy indulging in satisfying my appetite today, i value long-term reward far more. i think it's going to be about keeping that desire in the forefront of my mind that will help me take the next right step each time i'm faced with a choice between the greater good & the right-now-good.