the King of Hearts

In lieu of Valentines Day being just around the corner, I thought I'd follow up from my post about the recent purges in my life. There's something else that has been, despite my objections, recently removed from my life: boys/romance/relationships.

The simplified version of my overall relationship with relationships is that it's ugly. I was raised without a dad after the first five years of my life. As my sister likes to refer to it, I have "daddy issues."
That concept can manifest itself in so many different ways and can be a product of so many different types of depraved father situations. I use the word "depraved" loosely to mean absent father, irresponsible, immature, selfish, lost father... Some people are unaffected by getting dealt one of these hands. Some women, God bless them, are strong and independent and smart enough to have an honest and healthy view of love, romance, and relationships, despite not directly receiving an example of one growing up. Women that I've met have landed no where really in that healthy middle section of this spectrum: The one who guards her heart, mind, soul, and body, and puts on a tough exterior that no man can possibly "crack," so as to avoid disappointment, rejection, and hurt. That guardedness can take a lot of forms I think, but I think it's a kind of protection they put around themselves that can turn out to be detrimental in relationships because of a lack of trust and vulnerability where they're worthy; then the other end, the one who is longingly looking to fill a void that she has experienced without the love, discipline, protection, and guardianship only a dad can offer. That's the profile I fit into pretty well. Don't get me wrong -- my mom is a saint. She has been the best mom-and-dad combo that I possibly could have ever asked for. I constantly look at her reflecting on my own life and wonder how I am ever going to love outside of myself in the way that she consistently has loved Lesley and I. But there is something inherently different about the way a mom loves her children, and the way a dad does. In the same way, there is something inherently different about the approval and love and affection of females and that of males. The way a man loves is different. I missed out on that.

I do not want to put this on a pedestal as the be-all-end-all defining aspect of who I am. My father passing away 19 years ago makes me no less or no more me than I would have been otherwise. God has purposed all of this to his plan and for that, I am grateful. That is why I blog. Because if there is a slight chance someone feels understood through my experience, he delights in that. That is just a thing that has happened to me... a thread in my blanket... a part of my story.

As a result of my manlessness, I have relentlessly tried to satisfy a deep longing with relationships. And relationship after relationship after relationship left me feeling more empty, tired, and lonely than I did before. I was missing something and I knew what it was... but I didn't want to give it enough of a chance because I was so sure that without the instant and tangible affirmations and love in a physical form, that it wouldn't fill my deepest needs.
I had no idea that God could because he's God. He's just so invisible... he's big and all universal and abstract. I can't hold his hand or be held in his arms when I'm sad or watch movies with him or have him give me advice. I can't watch him laugh at my jokes or be spoiled by his acts of service or have him surprise me randomly when I need it the most.... can I?
I had God in a box. I didn't understand that he can do all those things and fill all those needs plus much more... SO MUCH MORE.

God is everlasting, eternal, great, and incomprehensible. But he is also the most intimate, kind, and caring entity there is to ever possibly be experienced. I never "gave up men" because God cares enough for me, and knows me well enough, that he just whisked them away from me for this season. He did what he needed in order to help me recognize his outstretched arms just waiting for me to fall into. He knew I needed to be undistracted to romance me the way I've been longing to be romanced.

For the past decade of my life, the very best of what I had to offer was being poured into these relationships that were unworthy. My firsts and my bests belong to God because they were never mine to begin with. In recognizing and following through with that truth, the desires of my heart are being satisfied.

It's still fresh for me to be single. Single is not something I am use to. One thing I love about, though, it is all the extra time I have now to spend with God. I love that I don't have a man to run to so when I get tired or lonely or insecure or stressed, I just turn to him and it's way better than going to a man. He doesn't feel burdened by me either - he actually delights in that because he desires to cast out that fear and sadness with his love. He keeps pouring into me in places where there simply was no room for before - and I'm being serious when I say it's way better. Some day, when I'm ready, I will be able to date again. But it will be a very special person that my heart is being prepared for right now. Through this time of healing and devotion, not only am I learning the significance of a greater love, but my heart is being prepared to love someone else better than I've ever been able to.
I'll be sharing this Valentines Day with my dad, my lover, my best friend, and the King of my heart.

20[X]10

So I had a conversation with someone last night who, when I said I graduated from St. FX, asked me "Sooo do you have your special RING?"
SADLY, I lost my special ring. It's possible that it fell through a crack somewhere in the art barn and is still there... just waiting for someone to move some random object or piece of furniture to find it and then (hopefully) tell Aunty Jon so that he can call me and tell me some wonderful news.
or... it's possible that it fell on the valley trail, was left beside a pub sink, fell on the ground in the middle of the village, or at one of the places I worked at.
They say that people are almost always reunited with their X-rings. I believe in that. I believe I will have mine again someday. So I am making this blog post as an add. In the slight chance someone has it and googles one of the follow descriptive items:
lost and/or found; women's university grad x-ring: shiny gold ring with black x on the face; year 2010; 20 on one side and 10 on the other side of the X in the middle; with an engraving... engraved with B.A. Psyc and Love underneath; from St. FX - St. Francis Xavier University
I want to find you. I miss you.
Last seen somewhere in Whistler, BC
If you have found this ring please just tell me. my e-mail is renam863@gmail.com
I will personally give you a really big hug, and take you out for a very fancy thanksgiving and celebratory feast at restaurant of your choice.
Love,
Rena

hey MEN

Hey guys, I wanted to say something on behalf of other women (especially women of virtue) to you regarding "Shit Guys Don't Say." The youtube video just popped up in my newsfeed and the whole thing is about sex and how a man is not suppose to feel or act about girls and relationships. The crap guys have to put up with when it comes to definitions of gender and how our society defines being a man... it infuriates me. We're so confused about gender identity that men often fall on opposite ends of the spectrum of how "manly" they are - like if they are anywhere in the grey by our social definitions of sexuality, they get dubbed as "pussy" (awesome word, BTW), effeminate, or goodness forbid, gay. This is just a guess but I get the feeling that a lot of men who are heterosexual feel an immense amount of pressure in our society to prove their masculinity by following all of the gender rules we have for what it means to be a man.
I want to just say that those ideas are crap. I want to tell you that you have freedom to be sensitive, to love with your whole heart, to be vulnerable, and to care about something other than how far you can hock a loogie (or whatever it is these days that men compete with each other in).
Some of the "shit guys don't say" were: "I really don't want to take advantage of you when you're drunk"
"You're best friend is getting married...? such great news"
"Do you just wanna cuddle?"
"I think I might wanna stop and ask for directions?"

I get it. It's funny. Guys are guys and girls are girls for a reason. But guys, just guard your hearts against the lies that the media feeds us that to be a man, you have to be an insincere, unemotional, and insensitive asshole.
I just want to comment on the quotes...
#1. This is basically saying that being respectful of a woman's dignity is unmanly - like it's not a "guy" thing to do to tread carefully with intoxicated girls and help them get home [alone] safely rather than take advantage of their openness? Wow. This opens a whole new can of worms and I need to leave it there.
#2. That guys can't be excited about marriage? false. It'd be a red flag for sure if you weren't stoked on marriage. The last thing I want to do is date a guy that doesn't feel the act of marriage is valuable or meaningful and awesome.
#3. It's such a misconception that all men want is sex. It doesn't mean you're not manly if that's not true for you... quite the opposite. I'm sure you get it if you get it.
#4. Guys, you don't have to have the answer to everything all the time. We don't marry you to "fix" everything. We marry you because you're normal and imperfect and we want to be a team and problem solve together. Although it can be handy, your sense of direction does not prove your manhood, nor does you ability to change a flat.

Christian guys, you know that being a man is defined in such a different way by God. I feel like every christian guy has heard a sermon about what it means to be a man and how to be the head of a household or what the bible says about your role as a husband, father, brother, and friend. My purpose in writing this is to affirm that truth from a woman's perspective and tell you we really actually don't want you to be that typical Ashton-Kutcher/Matthew-McConaughy character in those romantic comedies about the dick guy that gets the girl. I feel like most guys in my life aren't like that but maybe they feel pressure to be so sometimes they say things out of character or really offside and then laugh it off like it's funny. Your virtue will go a lot further than your charm. There is a kind of girl that goes for that Matthew-McConaughy-character kind of guy - do not get me wrong. And if that's the kind of girl you want, then you're not ready for this blog. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say the kind of girl you want to land is not the kid of girl that feeds off of insensitive and sexual humor and/or the "Uhhh I dunno... I don't care... dude" personality because she's already confident in her identity. The kind of girl that personality attracts is insecure and insecurity breeds drama - a difficult and unfulfilling relationship.

And I'm not pointing fingers without also admitting experience as that girl. I know what she's like and I know who she is because I was her at one point... that's why I can talk about her. So I suppose this could also be a message for the ladies as well.
Rant, rant, rant. I said what I needed to...
I'm done for the day.
I feel like I could say a lot but I'll leave it. I know guys don't really listen to girls anyways...

trying proverbs 22:3

So I've recently discovered I am one of the most boring friends to have. I'm like that friend that went from super cool to super lame when she decided to go to med school and all of a sudden had no time to do anything fun anymore. Except way less awesome because I don't even have the "well, at least she's going to be a doctor at the end of all of this. that will be worth it."
Going through the whole elimination diet thing to find out what my body is actually intolerant to, I'm discovering a most-possible intolerance to gluten and gluten, for those of you who don't know, is probably in like 85-90% of what you normally eat. Yadayadayada. Everyone and their dog these days is GF so that's no real shock. Apparently, a lot more people are and just don't know it yet. I really feel no need to go on about this except that I just want to say one thing: I'm sorry to my friends to be that person who has an eating restriction. I've always been the "I'll eat anything" person so now I feel annoying when we go out to eat and I have to be picky - I don't want to be!
Two of my new years resolutions (for 6 months) were: no more espresso drinks and no buying clothes. That means if we go for coffee, I'm being boring and buying a boring drip. This also means if we go shopping, you're shopping and I'm watching (slash maybe being tempted and therefore, frustrated, but mostly by choice). So there is three things that make me boring. For spiritual and emotional reasons, I've given up drinking. That means if we go out "for a beer" now, I am getting... a coke? Way to make you feel awkward about that beer you just ordered.
So yeah, for all those reasons, since the past few months, my life has had some restrictions put on it. I still consider myself a free-bird at heart and I know I am a good time, but the things I do with my time and how I am with my friends might look very different today than they did 3 months ago. It's not like one day I woke up and decided to drop all of these things from my life just to practice discipline or punish myself for spending too much money or something. These restrictions on my life were in part a choice and in part, a submission to the obvious direction my life was taking - something outside of myself was taking it there. It was gradual... & became easy when I didn't want those things anymore anyway. I just feel callings in areas of my life that need fine tuning, and I'm not trying to be radical, but sometimes, friends, we need to be radical in order to progress. We've seasons of baby steps & little acts of faith; & we have seasons of enormous leaps that leave us vulnerable & overjoyed at the same time. I've been talking to God a lot more lately. I've been trying to see what he wants to tell me.
It has been crystal clear to me that I am in a season in my life where there are things - big things - in my life that I need to be freed from; there are things that captivate my affection and hold it hostage so much that I can't enjoy a freedom of finding true joy in God. Part of that is my identity in the way I dress, the friends I have, how much people take to me or like me, how many texts I might get (my battery has been lasting so much longer these days!), the way my hair looks. Anything and everything from the earrings I put on in the morning to the way I laugh after a joke I didn't get but know I should have. It's okay to take care of yourself, but it's not okay to look to people's praise to define who and how-great you are. There are things I've done, and still do, that are evidence of my attachment to the approval of others. It's slowly but surely, only by God's perfect grace, being changed.
Giving up things that cost money is my way of being more aware of how I can give sacrificially to others, and not just satisfy an appetite I have in a moment of weakness, or fill a void of love with trying to look "Vancouver-hip" with cute style. At the end of the day, the lesson I'm trying to learn is that it's not about me.
Putting an end to something that has become such a regular part of my life, drinking, is causing me to take a deeper and more critical look at myself -- who I am and what my identity is. What are the jokes I love? Who are the people who make me the most happy? How am I a good friend? How do I relate to people? These are questions that don't get answered under the influence because the lines are blurred and all of a sudden, we're everyone's friend, and have a deluded sense of confidence in ourselves, and trust in others. That alters my reality even in sobriety because I'm not sure what's real and what's not anymore. I lose sight and clarity of thought and emotion. It's not that I don't love being drunk, it's that I love being drunk for the wrong reasons and too much. Because it temporarily fills in a gap that has been eroding from years of putting my trust in all the wrong things, when that gap can only be made whole when I let him make me completely new -- that means being made in His image (Colossians 3:10) & being "transformed" (2 Corinthians 3:18). It sounds huge. It is.
I know decisions like these aren't for everyone and my goal isn't to prove that it's right -- just that it's right for me. The longer I go without it, the less I want it and I see that as God's awesome way of boosting my confidence that it is the right decision for me.
And even though this is probably the one decision that will affect my social life the most, and maybe make me seem lame now, I'm not apologizing for it like I apologize for not being able to split a pizza with you.
This is an incredibly scary blog to write because the last thing I want is a bunch of eyes on me just waiting for me to fail at this new... ness. But that's not what this is about. If it were about me and my actions and disobedience then I might as well crawl under a rock and stay there for eternity.
And I'm not over-thinking. Maybe anyone who thinks that should just think more... maybe more about pushing themselves and less about the people around them. I'm thinking a good amount. I've spent too much time under-thinking.
I'm not perfect.
I'm striving [without ceasing] because my heart has been captivated by something incredible & perfect.
It's now or never.
I was wrong; I'm not changing, I am being changed.
I'm learning.
I'm learning about suffering.
I'm learning how to lean on not my efforts, but my knowledge that I've been forgiven as far as the East is from the West (Psalm 103:12); & that I'm given all the power, love, wisdom and self-discipline I need (2 Timothy 1:7)
Go figure beer is my drink of choice anyways and is not GF. Ohhh... so ironic.

PS. this isn't the whole story. ask me if you're still curious :)

I just got this letter...

Rena, have you learned nothing?

How can you expect yourself to feel an instinctual, passionate, abandoned loyalty and love towards the One that you don't spend time with?

If it were a man in your life and you just kept reading things about him, talking about him with friends, listening to what his best friends have to say about him and what kind of guy he is, but never actually spend intimate time with him yourself, you know your level of affection would have a limit... one that is very low... too low to sustain a healthy, interactive relationship.

Furthermore, if you finally really started to spend some time with him, but only talked about yourself, your needs, and your interest in getting to know him, rather than hearing his voice and allowing yourself to experience his heart by listening to him, you would stop caring about him and grow bored. You will grow bored of listening to your own voice complaining and requesting when you already know that he is the one for you.

Stop trying to gain Him, Rena.

Stop trying to experience Him by playing the part that you've learned you should play, reading the instructions on how to live in relationship with Him, but never actually throwing yourself into His arms and letting His embrace warm you from head to toe and change you from the inside out. It's the difference between trying to pick off all of the burnt bits seemingly cemented to the inside of a casserole dish with your fingernails rather than allowing hot water and soap do all of that work overnight while you sleep.

In His own perfect power, and in His own perfect way, it's His love that does the work - not you and your struggle to change.

Love,

Rena

gluten, i'm sorry but we are so done.

yes, you're delicious, but you're ruining everything. i'm not going to miss you at all. i'm moving on...

if my heart was a compass, You'd be north

the themes of my Christmas break, aside from trying to remind myself the reason we celebrate, are to be simple; to stop & think; to dream and set goals; to try to listen, both to others and myself but more importantly, to god; & just... to really know. i want to pay more attention to the page than the screen, more the pen than the keyboard, more the wind than the radio, more the Him than the me...
throughout some of this quiet time & attempts at reflection, i've finally kind of had an awakening about the path i'm on in my education - specifically, why the program i'm currently in isn't leaving me with the warm fuzzies i was expecting. since i started the BEd program at UBC in early september, i knew there was something missing. i know i love kids, and i know i'm stinking good with them. i know i can be stinking good at teaching them & this is what i've been planning on doing with myself for 6 years now. so why don't i have that same fervency my peers all seem to embody? i know that this isn't about them and that i shouldn't compare, but it stirs concern in me because i've been watching their eager engagement with the curriculum, extracurricular workshops, projects, reflections, class disscussion, etc., and i can't help but feel like i'm just not there. & i know i should be.
this is true for me full stop: i'm not a sport for complacency & i don't take it lightly i've been blessed and fortunate enough to be born in a country and circumstance of opportunity. i believe in finding true joy everyday in something outside of yourself everyday. & if you can get paid for it, that's just an added bonus. & if that something is rejected by society, well... even better:). although i don't always understand them, i admire in the "happy radical" who just relishes in his/her detachment from people-pleasing or fear of rejection.
i don't remember the last time i've felt this estranged: suddenly the career i've had my heart set on since 2006 no longer seems like my happily-ever-after. i knew this for a while but i kind of just compartmentalized it until i had time to sift through a little bit. it's not that i don't love my program. ubc is a great school and they've developed an incredible program for my cohort centered around ethical issues, social justice, diversity, inclusion, and genuine love for our students.
it's not that i don't love my placement. i'm placed with an awesome group of grade 5/6 kids whose teacher (my mentor) is phenomenal at what she does. & she gives the best feedback and guidance i could ever ask for.
it's not that i've discovered i don't love kids. in case anything is unclear: i love love looooove children. of all shapes and sizes. i love their imagination, their joy, their simple, tenderhearted, untainted sense of justice, and their excitement for learning and complete dependance on, and love for, the models in their lives. i love their energy and fragility & they are the pb to my celery. just to be clear.
it's just that my heart is not in teaching. & it was finally my honesty with mom this morning during our typical coffee-chat (that i've missed oh-so-much) that brought about the truth: i just don't love teaching. as i thought back to being a camp counselor, it became so obvious: my least favorite part of the days were teaching instructional activities. why? because it usually gave me little chance to get to know the hearts of the kids. my heart is in hearts - stories, feelings, passions, love, difficulty, social-learning and development. my heart isn't in educating minds; it's in enriching, inspiring, and encouraging hearts. although we are being trained to be involved with our students on an individual basis, our primary responsibilities are to educate, train, and build-up and to meet irp's to ensure that our students are being adequately equipped for the next grade. although i feel this is of incredible worth and value to children's lives, i know it would break my heart to be in front of a classroom teaching to the children and meeting this standards, because i'd want so badly, but simply wouldn't have time, to be sitting in with them, listening to their hearts, & guiding them socially.
when rubber hits the road, i'm not stressed about it because i know who is in control. & though ironic, His plan is also entirely loving. i'm not going to quit this program. i think that i am right where i'm suppose to be because even if being an elementary school teacher isn't exactly the dream job for me, i don't know what is. i believe in my whole heart this will simply be used as another vessel in steering me where i know God wants me. After all, my steps are directed by Him. how then can i understand my own way? (Proverbs 20:24). i believe in His purpose in where i am right now. beyond that, i have no idea, i have no control, & i'm excited to see His purpose in my life unfold.

christmastime: it's good.

things about home that are awesome:

- mom's warm sock collection
- fleece sheets
- bath salts & bubble bath
- baking ingredients!!
- HOOKAH
- deep-clean-everything
- 3 murray gals under one roof (this is a double-edge sword)
- celeb status everywhere you go
- 5 minutes to get anywhere you could possibly think of going
- the landing (running trail)
- fresh coffee, in the pot, ready to go, e'ry morning.
- real christmas trees
- christmas lights enthusiasm all over town
- piano and guitar
- my own escort
- tripple-ply-toilet-paper
- surround sound
- spring water
- CHEESE
- personal alarm service
- bright bathroom lights (i can see my pores!)
- memories all over the walls
- smell of cinnamon and evergreen
- guilt-free heat
- groceries with mom
- devo partner

so catchy

i first heard this song as a cover on Glee [guilty pleasure]. aside from the message of this song, i must say, how enchanting are these artists slash, this song. how charming. how sexy.