summer '10 & i

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

I've changed a lot so this is going to be a bit of a big one. Forgive me for having an appetite for blogging like my appetite for food - all in big waves.

I've definitely changed in a few dramatic ways since I first moved here, cinco de mayo, May 5th, only three sweet days after my graduation. It was the first time actually moving for any significant amount of time and I think the worst mistake I made was thinking I knew exactly what to expect. Note to self, when life throws change in your face, expect nothing.

More than anything else I've learned about my need, as Rena Murray, to
stop... breathe... absorb... reflect.... My life, as of late, has been consumed by one man in particular who has a knack for stealing my heart on a daily basis and ironically enough, my number one goal when moving here was to not let my life revolve around him. FAIL. Unfortunately, we as humans tend to cling to the closest tangible thing - and it's exceedingly harder to refrain from doing that when that thing just also happens to be the one you admire the most.

But admiration can be costly. Admidst my heart falling more and more in love with Riley every day that I live here, I am in the process of gaining one of those really valuable lessons that a small-town-girl-with-everything-she-needs-and-wants-in-the-palm-of-her-hand doesn't exactly experience: that at the end of the day, only I can make a change, only I can determine my happiness, and only God can help me. My tendency to put men in my life on a pedestal like they are somehow going to save me has costed me the gift of falling in love with myself and the one who created me. Work in progress me is somehow trying to put those pieces back together, become my own best friend, and meditate on the promise that God works from the inside out.

I've changed.
I'm pretty much like Antigonish's winter weather. I change a lot. I adapt quite quickly to my environments and this beautiful city has also changed me in a few, less insane, ways.

Public transportation has changed me - my worst enemy/best friend. While I have the luxury of the most incredible landlords, an amazing roommate, and a quaint and perfectly humble basement apartment, I am tortured with the fact that my school and the city is an hour away (okay give or take 15 minutes, I'm not exaggerating here). Um... this... can be a total bummer. Especially for the girl who has spent her life within walking distance to everything she needed. With this change in my environment, my organization skills have been increased significantly.

These skills have also increased with my job as A BRAND AMBASSADOR. You wanna know what a brand ambassador is? Ha. Not gunna tells yah - you can figure that out on your own ya weasels. But lets just say it put me in my place and taught me great deal about being pro-active in my job, and being my own boss.

My job as a brand ambassador also changed me to become a little more bitchy. Cheah - the good kind. I deal with a lot of greasy people with a lot of ridiculous, rude, and insulting things to say, and I've quickly learn how to have more of a back bone, and stick up for myself. And... believe it or not ex-boyfriends who all told me I am naive... I even have more of a guard up with guys who are being "friendly." You can take that to the bank.

OH! On that note, I've also gained a really refined taste for food when fine-dining. East coast is hilariously different than West when comparing fine dining. In Nova Scotia you got your fast food, your pub food, and then your snobby-people-food spending no less than $25 a plate half the size of my fist. There is a whole new world of fine dining here and I am semi turning into a snob when it comes to ordering. I.e.: "Yeah I would like to order the salmon burger but I'm wondering what kind of bun does that come on and how well is the salmon cooked? Can I order that please with no top bun, tartar sauce on the side... oh! and a lemon wedge too if you can! I'll have that with the greens but can I have the dressing and cheese on the side please?"
Heeee... Okay maybe slight exaggeration but I'm inching that way. This is crossing the border between having balls and being a total douche bag so I'm going to want to tone that one down.

I've learned how to be alone. In fact, August has marked the point in my summer where things started happening and I began to have a social life (Holly moving in, Lesley moving here, the Trifecta reunion etc) and today is the first day this month I've woken up in an empty house and I actually MISSED IT! In a busy city, being alone is a beautiful and, as I'm realizing, rare thing. On that note, I've also had a total epiphany that I am going to retreat alone as soon as I get my next chance. Maybe for a week... maybe a month... I'm thinking South East Asia.

Oh and Mom, you will love this one. I've started becoming a neat-freak. I think I'm actually becoming you in terms of house-cleaning habits. Going from living with 4 other girls in a two story house, to living alone and then with one other very clean roommate has somehow evoked in me this need to have things spotless at all times. Not sure. Maybe it's just me coming more into "adulthood."

Can I stop here? I don't not mean to be abrupt like... I have to get up and pee kinda thing but... I'm sure I'm totally boring you if you've even read this far (the 3 followers I have, your faithfulness to my inconsistent blogging makes me smile).

Last night, I read in my new book, So Long, Insecurity the fact that insecurity goes hand-in-hand with that all-or-nothing disposition in some people- that doing something just good, as opposed to great, isn't really worth doing. This disposition is very strong in me hence my tendency not to exercise unless I'm investing in becoming a real athlete. Through this book (credit to Beth Moore, the author - LOVE HER) I am learning that I need to be okay with being PAR sometimes. It's like I don't wanna blog unless I have something life-changing to say. Really, Rena? Get over yourself and write about how you went to Ki-Sushi and ordered a Dynamite roll with spicy sauce. As if you're really that incredible in the first place.

So yeah, I'm going to be a non-degree student this year at SFU (ouch this one hurts), I am going to take up snowboarding and ROYALLY suck at it, I'm going to exercise in vain, knowing full well it probably will never make me into an athlete, and I'm going to write crap blogs like this one, conclude them even more poorly, and post them.

Eff you perfectionism.