"a size zero?! what is a size zero? i don't know to me that means you don't exist"
- Richard from beauty and the geek ... [kills me]


SING: not because you love the song - because you love to sing.

So I think I have a possible temporary explanation for some of this floundering I've been experiencing the last little while of my life (I'd say probably, it's been a year and a half that I've been a complete free-bird, but because I once was, I know it's my predisposition). It's not that I haven't been generally happy, but I know I've been missing that little sparkle that, at one point, glimmered even when things in life appeared to be the dullest of gray's.
I know a lot of it is that my relationship with God has basically been non-existent since I ignorantly decided that life is possible without him (once aquatinted with God, this is not possible nor is it worth living. just as a side note) an intimacy with the creator is what brings blissful joy beyond measure and comprehension and I know this is true. But as I am in the process of aligning my heart with his, I am realizing my most incredible moments with Him, and therefore with life itself, were the ones where I was expressing my love/joy/peace/bliss/you-name-it-good-vibes through song.
I don't even have to be in the middle of a crowded room with all eye's on me. It's not about performing, it's about expression. It's wild what a little tune and lyric will do for my heart.
Growing up, I always had an outlet for this. Ten years of classical vocal training, being forced into competitions and festivals, leading worship in my teens, and hanging out with musicians from my church 24/7, always gave me the push I needed to do that which I did not even know at the time to be my deepest desire. That same desire is crying for life inside of me as I haven't been as forced into it. When my business partner with Mosaic, Nicole, asked me if I've been trying to get involved and start singing, I realized I really haven't - not in the least. I only did it when it was almost hard not to. It suddenly occurred to me that if I want to have joy, I need to actively surround myself with the things that bring me joy - even if I have to go out of my way, isn't it necessary? In the same way, if I want to make friends, I can't just sit on my ass and wait for the grass to grow underneath it. I have to make an effort. This may mean bringing people sweets, inviting them over for a BBQ, and really making time in my schedule where I can just chill and develop friendships with others.
I was recently selected to be in Earl's next issue of code modeling the latest fashion dress codes for BP's. Today as I stood in the middle of a bare, white-walled and unfamiliar studio with ten eyes and a camera flashing on me, I could not have felt more out of my comfort zone. Not that it wasn't fun getting my hair and make-up done by professional fashion artists, but just how new it was to me, I was freightened. I just started singing. Haha not sure if anyone knew why or if they even thought it was a good idea. But I just had to. It all of a sudden made me feel so comfortable again.
This should be as important to me as breathing. Copeland put it nicely :)


throw me a life-line.

at this point in my life, definitely learning how important it is for me to artistically express myself. i realized this the other day when lyrics suddenly started coming into my heart and i had absolutely no way of expressing them due to a lack of instruments right now in my life. sad day.
note to self: along with pug-fund, espresso-machine-fund, and travel-fund, i am now adding a keyboard-fund... it's too bad that joy costs money :)
with that said, i have no idea what topic i am blogging today. i just know that i have about a billion blogs in me right now waiting to POP out of me like a new born baby. i wrote this in my journal one day and it truly was a revelation to myself as i wrote:
"i am afraid to be alone in my own head - i hate it. so i speak to get it all out in hopes that someone will understand" (19/06/10). and how true that is hence why i've always gotten myself into trouble by speaking without thinking. i'm sure it would be in my best interest to begin exploiting my heart for all of the cyber world to see... :). i'll admit, last summer when i started this blog, i did go into it with the intention of just keeping people generally updated on my life as i traveled the golden coast of America. now, i begin to regularly blog (i commit. hold me to it.) in the general interest of my mental health. i don't care if you don't read. it's just the idea.

before i moved here i thought i was an alone-kind-of-person. even my roomies at 23 court (YEAHHH SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY ROOMIES I LOVE AND MISS YOU) can attest that i was sometimes kind of a little social isolate closing my door and often times, staying in my room for quiet and aloneness. i was never afraid to be alone but since moving here i realized that was probably because i always had the option not to be.
now that i truly know what it feels like to be alone (okay minus having my boyfriend but just so you know, he's about a 45 minute commute away) with only a dozen pseudo friends in my phone contact whom of which i would need to be the one to initiate any outings, it's not so great. but being alone is teaching me something really amazing.

it's funny. before i ventured here, i felt like i was trying to fill my god-shaped void with partying and thought if i cut partying out of my life, i would be truly dependent on god (my ultimate goal - if you don't understand, just try him and you'll know what i mean) but there are still so many things in my world that i continue to cling to. tangible things i can be gratified with in the moment. i never even realized it until god stripped me of all the big things.
i just get this picture in my head of me in the middle of the ocean on a huge ship. the huge ship starts to sink so i get into a back-up smaller boat. that boat starts to sink so i get into an inflatable raft. i keep doing this until all i have left is a pair of water wings, and as those begin to break, i keep desperately stretching and reaching for anything in my sight that may be able to keep me afloat. and even as i reach for the crappiest floatation's, i realize my own stupidity in that if i just stop for 3 seconds, i will stay afloat with nothing but faith and my act of believing.

when i'm scraping by with money, my looks begin to fade, i am socially alone, and my successes all seem like a vague memory, i realize what it means to be dependent on god. but isn't it hard to surrender your independence when there are so many things that make you feel so independent? so secure?

thank God that he takes away every once in a while in our lives, so rather than for forever just ho-humming along thinking we're pretty golden, we can actually realize that all of our floatations sink, break, and totally suck. it's nice to know that the one that never will, is actually free of purchase and will keep you afloat right where you are.