So I think I have a possible temporary explanation for some of this floundering I've been experiencing the last little while of my life (I'd say probably, it's been a year and a half that I've been a complete free-bird, but because I once was, I know it's my predisposition). It's not that I haven't been generally happy, but I know I've been missing that little sparkle that, at one point, glimmered even when things in life appeared to be the dullest of gray's.
I know a lot of it is that my relationship with God has basically been non-existent since I ignorantly decided that life is possible without him (once aquatinted with God, this is not possible nor is it worth living. just as a side note) an intimacy with the creator is what brings blissful joy beyond measure and comprehension and I know this is true. But as I am in the process of aligning my heart with his, I am realizing my most incredible moments with Him, and therefore with life itself, were the ones where I was expressing my love/joy/peace/bliss/you-name-it-good-vibes through song.
I don't even have to be in the middle of a crowded room with all eye's on me. It's not about performing, it's about expression. It's wild what a little tune and lyric will do for my heart.
Growing up, I always had an outlet for this. Ten years of classical vocal training, being forced into competitions and festivals, leading worship in my teens, and hanging out with musicians from my church 24/7, always gave me the push I needed to do that which I did not even know at the time to be my deepest desire. That same desire is crying for life inside of me as I haven't been as forced into it. When my business partner with Mosaic, Nicole, asked me if I've been trying to get involved and start singing, I realized I really haven't - not in the least. I only did it when it was almost hard not to. It suddenly occurred to me that if I want to have joy, I need to actively surround myself with the things that bring me joy - even if I have to go out of my way, isn't it necessary? In the same way, if I want to make friends, I can't just sit on my ass and wait for the grass to grow underneath it. I have to make an effort. This may mean bringing people sweets, inviting them over for a BBQ, and really making time in my schedule where I can just chill and develop friendships with others.
I was recently selected to be in Earl's next issue of code modeling the latest fashion dress codes for BP's. Today as I stood in the middle of a bare, white-walled and unfamiliar studio with ten eyes and a camera flashing on me, I could not have felt more out of my comfort zone. Not that it wasn't fun getting my hair and make-up done by professional fashion artists, but just how new it was to me, I was freightened. I just started singing. Haha not sure if anyone knew why or if they even thought it was a good idea. But I just had to. It all of a sudden made me feel so comfortable again.
This should be as important to me as breathing. Copeland put it nicely :)