at this point in my life, definitely learning how important it is for me to artistically express myself. i realized this the other day when lyrics suddenly started coming into my heart and i had absolutely no way of expressing them due to a lack of instruments right now in my life. sad day.
note to self: along with pug-fund, espresso-machine-fund, and travel-fund, i am now adding a keyboard-fund... it's too bad that joy costs money :)
with that said, i have no idea what topic i am blogging today. i just know that i have about a billion blogs in me right now waiting to POP out of me like a new born baby. i wrote this in my journal one day and it truly was a revelation to myself as i wrote:
"i am afraid to be alone in my own head - i hate it. so i speak to get it all out in hopes that someone will understand" (19/06/10). and how true that is hence why i've always gotten myself into trouble by speaking without thinking. i'm sure it would be in my best interest to begin exploiting my heart for all of the cyber world to see... :). i'll admit, last summer when i started this blog, i did go into it with the intention of just keeping people generally updated on my life as i traveled the golden coast of America. now, i begin to regularly blog (i commit. hold me to it.) in the general interest of my mental health. i don't care if you don't read. it's just the idea.
before i moved here i thought i was an alone-kind-of-person. even my roomies at 23 court (YEAHHH SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY ROOMIES I LOVE AND MISS YOU) can attest that i was sometimes kind of a little social isolate closing my door and often times, staying in my room for quiet and aloneness. i was never afraid to be alone but since moving here i realized that was probably because i always had the option not to be.
now that i truly know what it feels like to be alone (okay minus having my boyfriend but just so you know, he's about a 45 minute commute away) with only a dozen pseudo friends in my phone contact whom of which i would need to be the one to initiate any outings, it's not so great. but being alone is teaching me something really amazing.
it's funny. before i ventured here, i felt like i was trying to fill my god-shaped void with partying and thought if i cut partying out of my life, i would be truly dependent on god (my ultimate goal - if you don't understand, just try him and you'll know what i mean) but there are still so many things in my world that i continue to cling to. tangible things i can be gratified with in the moment. i never even realized it until god stripped me of all the big things.
i just get this picture in my head of me in the middle of the ocean on a huge ship. the huge ship starts to sink so i get into a back-up smaller boat. that boat starts to sink so i get into an inflatable raft. i keep doing this until all i have left is a pair of water wings, and as those begin to break, i keep desperately stretching and reaching for anything in my sight that may be able to keep me afloat. and even as i reach for the crappiest floatation's, i realize my own stupidity in that if i just stop for 3 seconds, i will stay afloat with nothing but faith and my act of believing.
when i'm scraping by with money, my looks begin to fade, i am socially alone, and my successes all seem like a vague memory, i realize what it means to be dependent on god. but isn't it hard to surrender your independence when there are so many things that make you feel so independent? so secure?
thank God that he takes away every once in a while in our lives, so rather than for forever just ho-humming along thinking we're pretty golden, we can actually realize that all of our floatations sink, break, and totally suck. it's nice to know that the one that never will, is actually free of purchase and will keep you afloat right where you are.