fumbling her confidence.

I'm in a new period of my life where I am constantly disappointed with the way I look. It's so easy to get caught up in image - especially when school just started and I'm around all these amazing looking girls all the time. & the argument is typical: "You're not ugly... you're SO pretty! I'M UGLY. Look at this (grabs skin on butt)." Sarah and I had a convo about this. It's like we're suppose to complain about the way we look. And when our friends do, we're suppose to tell them their crazy, and then compete with them about who needs to lose weight more. It sounds ridiculous, but when you think about it, 90% of the time a girl complains about the way she looks with a group of girls, another will chime in with equal negativity about herself.
This seems to be a recurring theme in my life:
Trial. Error. Self-disappointment. Of course, that's not to say there aren't times where I'm happy with the way things turned out, but of course those times are completely overshadowed by the times I feel inadequate. Whenever this happens, I come to the same place - on my knees; with teary eyes and an open heart; sad, alone and vulnerable.
When I have those times, whether it's feeling ugly, stupid, a failure, socially unaccepted, or anything that makes me feel like less of a ME than I truly am, there is no way that anyone can tell me otherwise. It's not that I don't have good friends, but when I'm told "You're so pretty" or "You are so smart" etc., it doesn't change the way I feel about myself. Because the truth is, there is no one who can feel or think for you. It's you - only you. It's me. And my girl Sarah said it well: "You really can't expect anyone - not me, not your mom, not Riley, to convince you of how amazing you are Rena. You need to find it in yourself and let it manifest in your life." It's true. No one wants to be that girl with low self-confidence and complete insecurity - it creates a lot of problems in the relationships around you.
For me, finding my beauty in myself translates to finding my beauty, security, and identity in my savior, Jesus Christ. It's getting down to the raw, real, daughter of the Most High, Rena Murray, and realizing how spectacular she is. A+ or D. Size 2 or size 6. Zits or not. Long hair or short. Tanned or pale. Success or failure. Gain or loss. It's not my heart. It's not my soul. It's not me and it's not Christ. It's superficial shit that invades our lives and takes away from what is real and what is good.
I don't even put my iPod on shuffle anymore when I go to the gym. I'd rather not listen to some rapper sing about his girls tight ass. Instead, I put Bethany Dillon's Beautiful on repeat, and let the words sink into my heart. I am trying really hard to know what real beauty is. I think it's a worth-while journey to embark on :)


I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory


You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

1 comment:

  1. I've been where you're at, mostly. Like, yesterday, I believe it was. Though I can't claim to really be in your shoes or know how they squeeze your toes.

    Whether or not these things will hit you the way they hit me, I so can't say, but I offer this;
    when I'm in that place of repulsion looking at myself, I find someone saying, "don't like what you see? set your eyes up higher!"

    And in the sense of failure and insecurity - it's all about *true* identity. Rena the student, Rena the Hottie, Rena the brunette, Rena the Sister, Rena the TimmyHo Girl - these are not *who you truly are* nor who you were created to be. And what HE sees when He looks at you, is who you really are, and His is the only opinion that matters. FOR REAL. There is eternity laid out before you, glory forever- and a shift at Tims or an exam- though they consume us now, meh- they are a vapor that blows away in the breeze. It's totally not about YOU being cool! (smart,talented, beautiful, funny, successful) It's about HIM being cool, and you letting Him use you as a TOOL for the CoOL!!

    you are not your own. He bought you. with tears and blood. Cause He loved you that much.
    And He will keep waiting, and keep loving, through your depths and your heights, crying when you hurt, collecting your tears in a bottle, stroking the hair from your face, loving every piece of you, and having total grace for the unlovely parts. and a plan for the redemption of every gift He gave you.

    I hope I can see some of them unfold. Because I look and I smile, and I love the handiwork of God in a girl I know named Rena.
    You are a Divine Intention.

    Just tonight I heard these song lyrics as I was gazing into the bands of the milky way, "When you see the stars at night, will you remember Me? When you see the morning light, will you remember Me? I spoke them into place and *they* remember Me. Well, I made YOU the same way..."