quality time

i've discovered that i have a lot of time on my hands since i've gone off facebook & found many other great and useless things you can do other than go on facebook.

here is a list I've compiled entitled "Things You Can Do Other Than Facebook" (it turns out there are a whole buncha things but i narrowed it down to these favorites)

take naps & enjoy REM: you know that awkward moment when you go to take an awesome nap and find yourself still living vicariously through other people's facebook lives half an hour later...
get out there and... go shopping!: spending money takes your mind off of problems you may be facing such as lack of friends or... being poor, for example
skype your long distance friends and lovers: & discover that you actually have no idea what they've been up to (i.e., getting pregnant, getting jobs, winning the lottery, etc)
reconnect with your ex's: seriously. brilliant thinking. it's good for stimulating your intellect as well as your emotions.
think of and find even more amazing/hilarious things to tweet about:

get into shape: this isn't useless at all actually... if you actually do more than simply consider doing it
make guacamole (&other high-rated recipes you stumbleupon): & then eat it
stumble your life away: "just one more stumble... ohmyeyesareshutting[&yup,ijusthadadreamithink]... just ONE more stumble..."
look at pictures of bridal gowns & weddings: while listening to joshua radin and bright eyes. gross.
go out on coffee dates with friends & talk about life: this tends to lead to caffeine overdoses so i would suggest opting for decafe
make lists: case in point.
text more: it's way more personal than posting on people's walls because it's just between you and that one person
paint a picture: it's a good way to express yourself. it's like therapy you can look at after.
look through flyers to find the discounts: this could also include groupon, socialshopper, or virtually anything you can look at things you don't need but think you should get because they are on sale
do homework: or not
post inspiring blogs: again, case in point...
get really into something and start a collection: this could be anything from teas, to corks, to thrifted framed pictures of dogs

so yeah. i've been doing so many great things since i deactivated my account a few days ago. lemme know if you have other great ideas.

the constant is change

i know i usually write more from my heart in my blog but i literally have nothing else to say. this song sums everything up perfectly.

Switchfoot - Restless



i am the sea on a moonless night,
calling, falling, slipping tides
i am the leaky, dripping pipes
the endless aching drops of light
i am the raindrop falling down,
always longing for the deeper ground
i am the broken, breaking seas
even my blood finds ways to bleed

even the rivers ways to run
even the rain to reach the sun
even my thirsty streams,
even in my dreams

i am restless, i am restless
i am restless, looking for you
i am restless, i run like the ocean to find your shore
i'm looking for you

i am the thorn stuck in your side
i am the one that you left behind,
i am the dried up doubting eyes
looking for the well that wont run dry

running hard for the other side
the world that i've always been denied
running hard for the infinite
with the tears of the saints and hypocrites

oh blood of black and white and gray
death and life and night and day
one by one by one
we let our rivers run

i am restless, i am restless
i am restless, i'm looking for you
i am restless, i run like the ocean to find your shore
i'm looking for you

yea, i can feel you breathing
i can feel you leaving
more then just a feeling, more then just a feeling
i can feel you reaching
pushing through the ceiling
until the final healing
i'm looking for you

until the sea of glass we meet
at last completed and complete
the tide of tear and pain subside
laughter drinks them dry

i'll be waiting
anticipating
all that i aim for
what I was made for
with every heartbeat
all of my blood bleeds
running inside me
looking for you
looking for you

i am restless, i am restless
i am restless, looking for you
i am restless, i run like the ocean to find your shore
i'm looking for you

i have a father

temper tantrum

It's kind of bizzare how often, when I'm dealing with a little bruise on my heart or anxiousness, I get bursts of insight from various places that I feel are speaking directly to me. Maybe it's just my mindset that I start to think everything is so relevant and meant just for me to hear, but more likely I'd say, God is using my surroundings to show me new things. Sometimes I'm more open to hearing from Him than other times; right now would probably be a good example of a time I'm just paying more attention. But I'm sure if I really stopped and quieted my busy mind more often, I would find myself hearing the still, small voice that just reaches out, loves, and more importantly, guides my thoughts and actions.
Yesterday, my devotional was about choosing peace as an answer to a situation where you may butt heads with someone in your life. Okay... accepted as true but... ehhh - not ready.
Then today, I read Courtney's blog (which I haven't really ever) & it was about letting go of hurt. & this picture was on it.
First of all, I love Lemony Snickets. Second, that is me right now. Thanks for that.

Right now the lesson I am learning is how to put down my pride, chose peace, & let go of anger & resentment. I'm not talking about one of those situations where someone has really, truly, intentionally wronged you but one where you just don't see eye-to-eye with someone or they have hurt you out of ignorance and now feel sorry for doing so.
Resentment is a nasty thing, and it can cause you to act completely out of character & say things that you don't deep-down believe or feel - they are just temporary feelings that erupt out of a reaction. I think it's important to get those temporary feelings out. But that is maybe better done on a piece of paper that you subsequently burn because it's really not meant for anyone to see - it's just meant to make sure it's not rotting away inside your heart. Resentment can be one of those things that we hold on to because it's either too painful for us to look at or it's too humbling for us to forgive. I am not a grudgeful person, but I do think that my approach to dealing with someone who I feel has wronged me is unhealthy. I kind of just throw a fit when my pride has been hurt. It actually looks shockingly similar to a child who throws a tantrum after he/she feels silly for doing something embarrassing or wrong. It's just sometimes easier to blame than to possibly think you may have some ownership.
Eventually, though, I need to repent of that tantrum & chose to be at peace with my world & the people in it. The truth is, these things usually aren't happening for some arbitrary reason. They are usually happening because we have some growing to do. So today, I chose to look at my circumstance not as some sort of cruel harrasment from the world, but as a chance to show love, peace, humility, & from it, grow.
I think the world really misleads us into thinking the answer is to look out for #1. I do think that it's important we guard our hearts against things that will hurt us, but when we guard our hearts just so we don't look bad, it leads to a lot of unproductivity. Instead of moving forward, it's like we are choosing to remain as a stubborn child. I must chose to love my neighbor as myself. I already knew this deep down, but that truth has been reinforced in many ways over the past few days & I accept its importance.

abandoning ship

in the [highly unlikely] event of an emergency, where passengers must abandon ship, life-saving floatation devices will be available to all members on deck.

i'm wondering what the purpose of those life-saving floatation devices would be, or what they would mean to us, if there was no possibility of an emergency, if we were ignorant to that possibility, or, you know, if we built our ships in such a way that we thought they were invincible to that threat

ben harper was onto something...

i just read a great, wonderful thing. &i just can't not share.

"So if the Son sets you free, you'll be free indeed." John 8:36
... sometimes the pain of our past comes calling. many people, particularly women, have an emotional disposition or personality type that lends itself to dwelling on bitter memories. our adversary often misuses this sensitivity to accuse and discourage us. he tempts our thoughts with guilt over past deeds. he calls into question the penalty of our past as if it is somehow unpaid - an outstanding debt he convinces us we must pay ourselves. we respond to his perverse persuasion by feeling as if we don't deserve the love of family or friends, much less God's love. after what you've done? who are you kidding? this is the language of lies-a familiar tongue to anyone who longs to be free from a shameful past.

he tries to slip the chains of guilt back on our shoulders. And sometimes we again pick up those old familiar chains - our guilt feels so comfortable that we revert to it out of habit. but Christ has set us free.
He paid the full penalty for our wrong. every wrong thought, word or action - all paid for.
don't believe the lie. God set you free; the Jesus, the Christ, died that you would be free - but you must choose to live that way.

"His call on our lives is a call to liberty. freedom is the cornerstone of christianity."

[paraphrased from biblegateway.]

her name is sydney gillian macintyre

there is this girl that blesses me.
so much.
sydney gillian macintyre is her name;
it means bona fide, passionate, charming;
it's like the color of the ocean when the sun is at it's best;
it's hearing that relient k song you forgot about but always use to pull you out of a bad mood;
it's the memory of your favorite uncle that could always make you smile;
it's your go-to snack that's always in the cupboard;
she teaches me about dedication to the things that are worth it & appreciation for the small things
when she tells me about the things that make her happy & gives me advice;
her name is sydney gillian macintyre;
which means a lifetime more to me now than it did the day i first heard it.

letting go of the familiar.

I'm super glad that God doesn't turn me into a pillar of salt when, in my processes of transformation, I look back and long for my old ways. He actually did that to someone once upon a time. It was this girl in the bible who was married to a guy named Lot. You can read about it in Genesis 19 if you are interested.
This e-devo came at a pivotal moment for me. It talked about how hard it is to let go of the familiar - to toss away those blankets of comfort because we know what's good for us; we know that we must be disciplined & a little bit uncomfortable in order to grow. We make these decisions all the time, every day. Even if you think that you're living only for the very present moment you're in, you're probably not as much as you think you are. We do it in the seemingly inconsequential decisions of everyday life because it's a part of how we've been taught. If you don't do things you don't want to do, then you don't get to experience other greater things that matter more. You get out of bed when you don't want to sometimes, right? Because you know that the comfort of staying in your bed for another hour, like you want to, isn't as great as getting up when you should and negating the consequences that would take place if you didn't (late for work and get in trouble or late for school and feel like a dummy). You get up and leave the comfort of your bed because it's the head-over-heart choice to make. We're all trained, to some extent, about the importance of doing things even if you don't really feel like it, because of the greater good. This e-devo came the day after my last blog entry and it was just an extension of that entry. Not only do we need to run with endurance towards those long-term and deeper rewards in life, but we need to not look back.
Lot's wife left behind a familiar place... a comfortable place. Even though she knew it was destructive and dark and not a place she should stay or would want to stay, it was still a place that she had come to know as home. In more lament terms, it's the bed that you don't want to get out of but know you need to. Have you ever gotten out of bed in the morning fully intending to start your day and then sadly look back at it wishing you were still in it? Haha. I do that all the time! I've even gotten out of bed, put the coffee on, and then crawl back in desperately for one more cozy minute. How pathetic...
But the point is, it doesn't help me move on and start my day. Yearning to be back in my bed is just distracting me from the tasks of the day that I need to begin.
I don't want to stay the same, guys. I want to grow and I want to move on from those things that are holding me back from doing so. This passage urges us to do that. It's hard to leave the familiar behind but it's so worth it. The devotion said "... we all struggle with the difficulties of letting go of the old in order to grasp the new. Take heart. God understands that letting go of the familiar is hard. Yet he has called us to move on to new life in Jesus Christ by letting go of our old worldly lives, our old habits, our old dreams-to boldly move forward without looking back." Why? Because he has something much better waiting for me.
I want to shed my layers, actualize my potential, and instead of looking back, yearning for the old, & therefore, making it harder on myself, I want to step out in faith & see, as I always do, the reward.

oh, inconsistently crying out for consistency.

i don't wanna jinx it but i have an inkling that maybe, possibly, sorta, kinda i feel like i might actually be getting better at life. okay, don't quote me. i can't handle that kind of accountability. claire is my most trusted partner in crime in my life. why? because she actually has experienced first hand how much of a roller-coaster i am and how much i seem to contradict myself following a real life-lesson.
this is usually how it plays out: i do dumb things, i feel stupid for doing dumb things, i repent, i feel empowered to not do that dumb thing again, spill to claire how i'm really ready to put it behind me and learn from that mistake, & then, well, i repeat. the entire thing.
& claire is the one that has seen me through that process, and still high-fives me when i go to her about how ready i am to be "better at life" (& no one should ever view life as i do like thinking that there is some sort of ultimate goal to reach in perfecting yourself as a human being. there isn't. i don't think we're ever going to get there. i think that's part of my problem.) even though she probably has a sneaking suspicion that i won't actually follow through with it. like my mom says, we try our best to weed out the crap we can, but like a dog goes back to it's vomit, we may forget just how bad the consequences were last time, or we may think we're invincible for some reason, & go back to our shameful ways.
i kinda use the "work-in-progress" line as a cop-out because it's such a forgiving way to explain my stated above state of being. the raw version is: "i'm brutal at learning from my mistakes, doing the right thing, and living for the greater, long-term, & deeper rewards in life." i'm just bad at it. maybe it's because i have a terrible memory or maybe behavior modification doesn't work on me as well as it does on other people.
maybe right now, things are going to get better. maybe i don't know why. maybe because it's my first time genuinely trying to be single. & it's just me, my mistakes, & that guilt... & no one to forgivingly hold me through my messiness. please don't get me wrong: i don't think it's healthy to hold on to guilt so that you avoid your worst habits like the plague. but i do think it's good to use that feeling of guilt as a memory to guide your future choices. although i do enjoy indulging in satisfying my appetite today, i value long-term reward far more. i think it's going to be about keeping that desire in the forefront of my mind that will help me take the next right step each time i'm faced with a choice between the greater good & the right-now-good.