just to clarify:

I've had more than one person tell me that my little comment about being over the honeymoon stage in relationships in my blog entry, "fighting pride," bothered them.
I just want to say to all of my fans friends that came out the wrong way! I still LOVE all those "over-the-honeymoon-stage" people just the same as I always have. It's just that when I get too close to people, I become more comfortable and less selfless... I try less to be humble with them and think more about how they can be of benefit to me. It in no way implies that I am sick or bored of them or don't feel they are important to me anymore. The opposite is true. It's the after-the-honeymoon-comfort phase that brings my feelings of affection to a new and different pique - one that's more challenging, but in a good way.
Just to clarify...

new directions

So one time in about 2008, I constructed a bucket-list. I heard that writing your goals down, as opposed to just thinking about them, make them much more likely to happen. They say that to make your life what you want it, it's important, once in a while, to write down short-term and long-term goals or aspirations. I think it's also important, as I'm currently learning, to revise and edit the ones you may have made. Three years have passed since I made this list and those three years have blessed me with people and experiences alike that have inspired me beyond this petty list of self-glorifying "treats" that I wish to attain. A few incredible people in particular have unintentionally caused me to re-evaluate my goals and aspirations.
I realized how my direction has shifted the other day when I asked a girl where she got her beautiful scarf. I was expecting your typical response but what I got was a nose-in-the-air-"it's Louis Vuitton."
Hrm. Well exxxxxcuuuuseee me, my frand. You think just because I am wearing this Shoppers Drug Mart cashier uniform, that I wouldn't be able to afford something from that store... anything for that matter? Pff.
Truth be told, it was in that moment I realized I would never want anything of the sort. I truly am not saying that because it's out of my budget. It's on my bucket list to "own something genuinely Louis Vuitton"... why? When I watch shows like Real Housewives or Keeping up with the Kardashian's or even worse, Sweet 16 (because they happen to be playing in the room next door *cough* not because I actually like them), I actually feel sick to my stomach. It somehow use to be out of jealousy that I know I will never live in such luxury as the people in these shows do. Now, I watch out of complete pity in the fact that they will never really understand where true joy comes from because their lives are incredibly cluttered with want-need-must-have and the very fixtures that light their rooms are worth more than what could sustain a poor family in a poverty-stricken country.
As much as I can't help but feel sick when I watch these people literally wiping their asses with $100 bills, I once was in a place where I genuinely thought money was cool.Thanks to this one man in particular, my focus has completely shifted and I no longer see money as cool - I see it as something that should be used to sustain our basic human needs. Every day Riley teaches me how little we need to survive. He lives more modestly than most people I've met in my life and surprisingly I think it's worked in his advantage because he tends to get a lot of free things. His lucky horse-shoe, which I have yet to find, is another story though. Thanks, Riley, for showing me what true "value" looks like. I know I have a long way to go. Especially when I take little trips into Vancouver and remember how undesirable my wardrobe looks most days or how convenient it would be to have an iPhone in my purse. I say that in hopes you realize I am not being completely self-righteous by posting this. I truly am very thankful for my ever-evolving state and the fact that spiritual wisdom can be transformed in part by the wonderful influences in my life. Hoping it may spark something in you too, no matter where you may be. So, with this shift in direction comes an edited bucket list. If you're interested, you can have a peek.
Cheers.

. Have a window seat in my future house .
. See a National Park in Utah (preferably Bryce) .
. Go to the Philippines to meet my sponsor child, Laarne .
. Sky-Dive and/or Bungee Jump .
. Pierce something other than my earlobe . [check]
. Learn Sign Language .
. Get a tattoo . [check]
. Take a pottery class .
. Own a pug .
. Do missions .
. Make a scrap-book about my life journey (all the big moments) .
. Make a play-list where each song stands for a pivotal moment in my life .
. Write and record one good song .
. Send an anonymous care package to someone who needs it .
. Get and STAY in shape .
. Make a vow and keep it forever .
. Meet Mikey Mouse . [check]
. See RK in concert again . i think that phase has had it's time. rk will always hold a special place in my heart but this is an unnecessary goal
. See Hillsong in Australia United . [don't have to travel to Australia to see them]
. See Paris . [i was over this before i even finished writing it down. pff paris. you can come to me if you want.]
. Own a genuinely vintage dress . [check]
. Go back to Sandy Hill camp .
. Use "Xavier" as a middle name for one of my children .
. Get an X-ring . [check. woop.]
. Learn how to solve a Rubix Cube . [for pure bragging rights really. now realizing by the time i actually do this, i'll probably have a husband and kids to brag about.]
. Get a grad degree .
. Stay in the South for an all-inclusive vacation at a resort (+add) if i'm fortunate enough to have the opportunity . [hey, if my children someday wanna take me on one, i'm not gunna complain.]
. Go on a cruise . [it's just okay if these things don't happen.]
. Share a kiss in a hot-air balloon .
. Build a tree-house .
. Get a flip-flop tan .
. Have a breakfast nook in my future house .
. Get a motorcycle license and own a motorcycle .
. Learn how to whistle through my fingers . [check. haven't perfected it but it's a process.]
. Perform a random act of kindness for a homeless person .
. Volunteer at a homeless youth shelter .
. Have confetti fall on my head
. Own a (+add) new (as opposed to used and crappy) espresso machine .
. Own a black leather coat . [pleather will do just fine.]
. Practice meditation .
. Be HOLY .
. Own a cottage . [and if that happens to be a cabin beside the water, it's a cottage.]
. Volunteer at L'arshe a home for special needs . [special needs is special needs.]
. Volunteer at a nursing home .
. Own something that is real Louis Vuitton . [point in case.]
. Learn how to Ski/Snowboard and live in the mountains . [living part, check. learning part, half-check.]
. Sleep on flower pedals . [you gotta try that one]
. Change someone's life . [someone checked this off in my room so... check? don't know who it was but its all relative. apparently i changed someone's life.]
. Learn how to BBQ . [getting there...]
. Wear bright red lipstick . [check]
. See a(n)penguin elephant up-close (touchride it!) .
. Go to a talk-show (like Tyra) .
. Go black-water rafting in New Zealand .
ADD:
. When an opportunity arises for me to genuinely make a difference in someone's life through monetary giving, be genuinely uncomfortable to help them (aka. give money to someone who needs it no matter how "poor" I may feel at the time) .
. Live and work in an underdeveloped country sacrificing comforts like running water and electricity .
. Learn how to live humbly in all areas and phases of my life .
. Befriend someone that initially does not interest me; find the positive .
. Create Christmas traditions that truly revolve around giving and thanksgiving when I have children one day .
. Become a teacher .
. Read the entire bible .

fighting pride

I was at work yesterday and after having done all of my spectacular cashier duties including "facing" (such a thrilling task if you haven't tried it) and cleaning, I picked up a copy of this months Fitness , mainly because I was intrigued by one headline in particular: It definitely caught my attention especially because of this particular phase in my life (living in Whistler, where everyone skis or snowboards ~4 days a week, working 3 part-time jobs) I've been feeling a bit under-motivated. What do I fill my time with before my 4:15 start on a Tuesday? Beats me but I always seem to somehow feel rushed. It's one of those times, again, where I have to dig a little deeper and find something to wake up for in the morning. For example, this morning I asked Cori to wake me up at 9 before she left for work. She came in and said "Rena. It's 9. But I wouldn't get up if I were you... you're not missing much." Haha she later told me she woke me up right after she realized she had to clean the snow off her car (AGAIN) and was feeling a bit bitter at the time. It's like you have about 20 thing you could think of doing but none of them are life-defining in any way. I really wanted to read that book. I really want to send my mom this care-package. I really need to do some laundry. I really should go for a jog. Maybe I'll go to that free yoga on Tuesdays... youuuuuu get the idea...
So I picked up this mag thinking it couldn't hurt. In it, I found the secret of "Mantra's." It's derived from Buddhism but its idea is simple: just repeat a phrase in your head to make yourself do something, overcome something, or feel something, that might not come as naturally as sleeping-in. Really, not that special. But it got me thinking.
The examples the article used were mostly pertaining to working out or relieving stress such as "I am strong" or "I embrace life," but it made me think about areas in my life I'm finding hard to change direction - the parts that really bother me. How I treat people on a day-to-day basis is something I would like to change; I tend to get exasperated with people regularly and very easily. It's not easy to admit but once I've gotten past the honeymoon stage in a friendship with someone, I will ultimately become a bitch. It's a terrible thing to say, I know, but I struggle with putting others feelings and needs ahead of my own. I have this sense of a right of entitlement or worth and it can dramatically effect the way that I treat the people I love the most in my life. I wrote in my journal one day "I feel like the uptight mom who can't even deal with crumbs on the counter. Like, it's crumbs... get over it." This is something that has to change.
So I made a "mantra" per-say. I was thinking of mantra's about humility, and then I was thinking about one's about staying calm. But I realized the most amazing commandment that I have been given in the Bible (which is also one of the two most important) and that's "Love others as well as you love yourself" (The Message version). I remember in Shane Claiborne's book, "The Irresistible Revolution," when he said we don't take this commandment seriously enough. It doesn't just mean giving small parts when we can and when it's convenient for us or whenever we feel good about it. It actually means giving up everything, whether that be money, valuables, or even, yes, our pride, so that we are lowering ourselves in the chance we may lift up someone else. Something I have no concept of doing. So readers, if you pray and talk to God, please help me by praying that I can do that - that I can fight and overcome this deep-seeded pride in me that was planted somewhere along the way. In the mean-time, my Mantra will be "I will Love others as much as I Love myself. God made us equal and I have no superiority. I am a flawed human responsible for serving God's children."

yowwch

I can't complain - I haven't had hardly any injuries. Even Riley was surprised when I admitted to never having broken a bone or having stitches in my life. So no injuries significant enough to blog about... none much different than this one. This is an unblogworthy injury but I've already read through 4 pages of C.S. Lewis quotes plus made a full batch of homemade soup plus painted my fingernails and toenails (X2) plus whined about it as much as I could. Today should be my last "useless" day now.

It's my first back "injury" and it happened during shoveling snow. I enjoy getting out there and acting like a tough girl shoveling snow and all (give me a break - it's a good start, alright?!) but I guess I didn't realize how harmful shoveling snow could be. As my roommate, Jon, put it, I am now a part of a statistic. I guess it happens to a lot of people. I just never really thought about it because I never really had to. For one, I've never had to shovel snow and second, I never had any reason to consider my back to be a vulnerable place of injury. I am not an old and frail woman nor do I subject myself to any crazy activities that could put me at risk (for example, 99% of the people I hang out with in the run of a week who spend 5 days a week skiing or snowboarding... I'm not one of them).
So where did the bruises arise from? Well, that's the point of this blog I guess. As a heed, a warning, a caution. It's the same question that Dr. Demarko asked out loud when he looked at my back: "In my 27 years of practice, never have I seen bruising occur without impact. I guess we'll have to run an x-ray although I don't know how you could have broken a bone... and I'd also like to have you tested for easy bruising." At this point I'm basically laughing only because I would break a bone doing something stupid like shoveling snow... am I that much of a sloth? Geeze.
Well I come up from the X-ray and Dr. Demarko now has a Medical Student looking at the bruise and she pokes it asking how tender it is. Then some other Doctor with ski gear on comes in dripping in snow, has a look, and says "this is strange... did you have snow down your pants?"
It suddenly all comes together. I had iced my back after I came inside and it hurt like hell. Well I guess I iced it too much because I gave myself frost-bite trying to get rid of my pain. We're all feeling a bit like idiots at this point. "So umm you pulled a muscle... go take some robaxacet and chill for a few days"
Typical.
So typical.
So lesson number 1: warm up before shoveling and be careful with your posture and what muscles you use to lift snow.
Lesson number 2: it is possible to over-ice injuries.
News to me.

c.s. lewis quotes = smile; drool; sob; repeat.

Ex.:
"[Repentance] means unlearning all the self-conceit and self -will that we have been training ourselves into... It means killing part of yourself, under-going a kind of death."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

May 31 is my birthday. I want this book and Screwtape Letters. Just sayin'.

daisy

i've been struggling with this small, seemingly simple step in my walk (which often feels more like a slugging drag than it does a gallop): surrender. what is it, first of all, and how do i successfully execute it? what is it in my heart that is intercepting this plunge forward? how can i let go of that thing if "letting go" is my challenge at hand? it's really problematic when you think of it like that.
i don't have much to say other than: this is the wall i'm facing. it's my road block, my barrier, my obstacle. my heart is deeply entangled with a few things i know will be hard to cut. possessions, relationships, activities, thoughts... i don't even know if some of them will ever be "cut" but i trust that, with time, they can gradually be loosened and not hold such a firm vise on the way that i conduct myself.
this song just yells at me now as i think about all of this. it makes me feel like it is so simple, and He is so good. i am simply a Daisy.
i plan on just letting these lyrics and this idea filling up my brain and heart.
Daisy, give yourself away,
Look up at the rain
The beautiful display,
of power and surrender
Giving us today,
when she gives herself away

Rain, another rainy day,
It comes up from the ocean
To give herself away,
She comes down easy
Oh rich and debt, the same,
When she gives herself away,

Let it go,
Daisy let it go
Open up your fists
This fallen world,
Doesn't hold your interest,
Doesn't hold your soul,
Daisy let it go

Pain, give yourself a name,
Call yourself contrition,
Avarice or blame
Giving isn't easy,
And neither is the rain,
when she gives herself away

Daisy, why another day?
Why another sunrise?
Who's will take the blame,
For all redemptive motion?
And every rainy day,
when he gives himself away

praise.

At Sandy Hill we use to do "Praises and Prayer Requests" at the end of our meetings every morning. This was an especially important part of staff bonding because if someone was dealing with something difficult, we could pray, as a team, for that person; if someone did something of particular worth, we'd take a moment of recognition for that person. It could get really annoying at times, I'll admit, when people became so unnecessary about it (mind you this is usually taking place around 6:30am) but for the most part, I really liked it. The few times that I was recognized for something, it helped me continue to go above and beyond in my job as a camp counsellor every day.
Today, I would just like to praise Cori Poole - the girl that I moved to Whistler with. There are so many things that stand out about her that make her so special to me and close to my heart and I feel like I could list off a hundred. For starters, the first sign that I knew Cori had to become my new best friend (I forced her), was the way that she viewed people. It is definitely one of the more outstanding aspects of her person that made me, and so many other people, fall in love with her. When I was in a dark time of my life, finding it difficult to love the people and the world around me, and see the good in it, Cori gave me a new notion of love - she really redefined how to love others. She notices detail that no one else does. She takes careful attention to the beauty in everyone, which is something that I use to pride myself in but seem to have lost it just months before I met her. She always seemed to find a way to love everyone and not in a "I love you way" but in a "you are an important and truly valuable person" way. She doesn't just accept people with their flaws and uglies; she sees right past them and straight into their beauty and gifts no matter how different they may be from hers or misunderstood they may normally be to others. It's a gift that sets Cori apart from many people I know.
Today in particular, however, I have to praise and recognize Cori for her ability to keep faith and stand so strong throughout the tough stuff. Not only do I see her going above and beyond her calls of duty with her job on a day-to-day basis, but I see her lifting me out of my little ruts when I get discouraged. Her faith is what made me move to Whistler and it is what keeps me here. Like I mentioned in a previous blog, I find it difficult to just be without much direction or purpose so I often face doubts as to whether or not this is where I should be right now.
I want to publicly praise Cori for keeping so much faith for me when I lose it, and for believing in, what she likes to call, fate (what I like to call God but our difference of personal spirituality is a whole other story) for doing its job that everything will work out in the end. I see how that faith carries her through the difficult moments she may have with her job and it's the same faith in her that doesn't expect any recognition for what she is doing - she just does it selflessly because it's the right thing to do.
Cors, I wouldn't have wanted to move into this disorganized and scattered temporary life with anyone else in the entire world - not even Riley. You came at the right moment (like always cause God is really rad) and somedays, it's only the faith that you have in me that gets me out of bed in the morning. I wish I could say I have that strength all on my own but I think God is giving it to me... through non-other but you. ♥

the place i'm in

So I know that the tourist-hot-spot, Whistler, is one of those places that, if you've heard anything about it, are Canadian, have visited, and/or ski/snowboard, you've probably, but not certainly, considered how incredible it would be to live here - to be a "local." Not certainly, meaning not everyone who fits into one or more of those categories likes the lifestyle that Whistler has to offer. I, for one, never considered it to be a place I would want to live; it's cold, the party and drug lifestyles are overwhelming, I would miss the ocean, I'm not into skiing or snowboarding... etc.
So whyyyy did I move here? Haaha
Well I think it's because I was meant to. Haven't truly figured out why I was meant to yet and I'm sure I never will. The Big Man Upstairs has interesting and ironic ways of directing us to eventually develop into the person he's designed us to be.
It kinda all started with the creation of my bucket list. I wrote it approximately two years ago and since then, some things have been checked off, such as getting a tattoo, meeting mickey mouse, wearing red lipstick, getting an x-ring... and some other things have been removed from the list out of the fact that I just don't really care to complete them anymore. For example, "Go to Paris and see the Eiffle tower." I'm not so big into Europe tourism at all and I think French people can be quite brutal. I just put it there cause I wrote the list around the same time Lesley went for her visit to Paris so I was being a copy-cat. Umm... jeeze off-topic-Sally here just rambling...
So my bucket list includes: "Live in the mountains and learn to ski or snowboard" and long story short, I basically fell here. Even the day before I moved, having learned that one of my roommates was a pro-snowboarder and that we have snowmobiles in the back yard, I just kinda shrugged and seeing the looks on Riley and Gordy's faces, I suddenly realized I have very little appreciation for what I am about to embark on. It just so happened that Cori and I were both so conveniently able to live here - that things fell into place, so to speak, and so I thought "why not?" I now know why people who move here stay way longer than they plan - it's cause it's freaking unbelievable. Even if you don't have a passion for the culture of "shredding the nar" and/or don't do drugs, this place is still beyond belief. I realized it's because of the people who are here - everyone who lives in Whistler, does so because they want to and for no other reason. Rarely people come to Whistler because their job or their school drags them here. It's quite the opposite - try living here and doing something long-term-productive with your time. It's just not really like that. It's about the spirit of living, and friendship, and doing what you love with the people you love. It's about last-minute decisions, days off, movies and hot chocolate at night, inside jokes, and the freedom to be totally you. I am so unreal corny... But it truly is like a version of Disneyland. A happy place for happy people with a bunch of small, part-time jobs and scattered schedules.
I got three myself: cashier job at Shoppers, promotions job at Tommy Africa's, and a job doing Kokanee Apres.
So now that I'm settled in with jobs and such, my stay here has already increased from 6 weeks to... undetermined. Funny how that happens.
Like I said, I don't know how this adventure fits into the big picture of my life and who knows, maybe it doesn't really do much at all for me in the long haul. But I like to believe every step we take is an important part of the journey even if it feels kind of pointless... like me living here. I have a problem with just letting myself be without much direction so this book I've been reading by Regina Brett gave me some insight (obviously right when I needed it the most... when else?):
It's scary to make major changes, but we usually have enough courage to take the next right step. One small step (paying one months rent here), then another (getting a job), then another (making friends). That's what it takes to raise a child, to get a degree, to write a book, to do whatever it is your heart desires. What's your next right step? Whatever it is, take it.

to love and be loved is the greatest happiness of life.

I can't say that I hated my experience in Vancouver...................

Actually, yes I can: I hated my experience in Vancouver.
Okay to be completely fair, I lived in New Westminster which isn't Vancouver at all but if someone from Nova Scotia asks you "so, where are you living?" when you're living in New Westminster, it's just easier to say "Vancouver" especially considering I only really went to New Westminster to eat, sleep, and pack my lunches for the day.
& also, to say that I hated that experience is not to say that I hate Vancouver... it's a city. Maybe I just don't like cities, right?
& it also must be noted that has nothing to do with some of the wonderful people I was able to get to know while I was there. I consider each one a blessing. But when I wasn't in NewWest eating, sleeping, and packing my lunches for the day, I was studying, and in class, and on the rare occasion, you may have found me enjoying myself at church or getting together with my sister, or a handful of other great people, for coffee. Life went from being people-centered to people-absent. Tragic. Despite having met good people, when I reflect back on the past semester, most of my memories are flooded with sadness. I either couldn't make time for them or I could but I just didn't want to because I was so tired of trying to impress; I was exhausted of feeling like I needed to be somebody... like being myself is no longer good enough. And I'm not going to lie, having moved only a 1.5h drive North of Vancouver to the much smaller community of Whistler, I realize that Kelly was right when she said "from what I've heard, Vancouver is a bit pretentious. I heard you have to have like 7 incredible and unique hobbies for people to be impressed with you."
I hate to say that was the vibe I was getting.
I have to disagree with the people who think I didn't give it enough of a chance. Considering I made it my mission almost every day I was there to just adapt, as Sarah suggested I start doing, I don't think I didn't give it enough of a chance. I think it's that "Vancouver," used as a general term to include the people, the surroundings, the activity, the public transportation, the scenery, the livelihood, etc., really just didn't love me enough. Not that some particular people didn't show me love. Maybe just that I didn't feel like that real me needs freedom to just be... without expectation. I don't like performing for people. I don't like "showy." I like when people bare their emotions and dependance and quest for companionship. Not many people that I encountered in Vancouver did that and I'm living with one of the few right now so it kinda goes to show how important it is to me. I'm sure if I had spent more time with some people, more could have happened in that sense. Hence why I decided to apply to UBC and give it another shot - perhaps a better one. One equiped with the knowledge of what kind of world the city is.
There, I said it. I'm a spoiled brat that wants to be loved wherever she goes. So forgive me for my high expectations, and for being a complete emo, but I'm simply tired of being in a world where expectation is present but love is absent.
I wrote this in a poem my first month back to school for my Senior year at X and it speaks volumes into why this Rena didn't feel great in that Vancouver:

i feel i lose a piece of me
when acknowledgment is absent
i can't explore the inner being
and i end up feeling resentment
i try to change the shape i am
so i can fit into the hole that's been cut for me
but nothing about this hole
truly lets me see
the deeper version of me
begging to be free
begging to be seen
eye to eye
nose to nose
toe to toe
heart to heart

Hrm.
Love is the air I breathe, and moving to Vancouver & feeling deprived of it made me realize how vital it is in my life.
So there.
Take it as you will. I know there are people who read my blog and understand me and there are people who don't and the latter are probably so annoyed that I think I have the right to boast about this secret inside of me. It's like when I tried reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and he started his book with all these things that make you feel as though understanding his philosophy is your express pass to this exclusive group. Well... I didn't understand his philosophy at all so it just annoyed me that he thought he was better than me.
I don't think I have some sort of secret that everyone deep-down desires. I know some people are quite content where they are. I know that my deep emotional side can also be detrimental in my life (hence my bad experience with living in a big city of nameless faces deprived of potential love). I just needed to publicly acknowledge the probable explanations for my negative experience with a city that is reportedly one of the top 10 best cities in the world to live in. It's either that or sit here in confusion like I have been: "What am I missing here?"