praise.

At Sandy Hill we use to do "Praises and Prayer Requests" at the end of our meetings every morning. This was an especially important part of staff bonding because if someone was dealing with something difficult, we could pray, as a team, for that person; if someone did something of particular worth, we'd take a moment of recognition for that person. It could get really annoying at times, I'll admit, when people became so unnecessary about it (mind you this is usually taking place around 6:30am) but for the most part, I really liked it. The few times that I was recognized for something, it helped me continue to go above and beyond in my job as a camp counsellor every day.
Today, I would just like to praise Cori Poole - the girl that I moved to Whistler with. There are so many things that stand out about her that make her so special to me and close to my heart and I feel like I could list off a hundred. For starters, the first sign that I knew Cori had to become my new best friend (I forced her), was the way that she viewed people. It is definitely one of the more outstanding aspects of her person that made me, and so many other people, fall in love with her. When I was in a dark time of my life, finding it difficult to love the people and the world around me, and see the good in it, Cori gave me a new notion of love - she really redefined how to love others. She notices detail that no one else does. She takes careful attention to the beauty in everyone, which is something that I use to pride myself in but seem to have lost it just months before I met her. She always seemed to find a way to love everyone and not in a "I love you way" but in a "you are an important and truly valuable person" way. She doesn't just accept people with their flaws and uglies; she sees right past them and straight into their beauty and gifts no matter how different they may be from hers or misunderstood they may normally be to others. It's a gift that sets Cori apart from many people I know.
Today in particular, however, I have to praise and recognize Cori for her ability to keep faith and stand so strong throughout the tough stuff. Not only do I see her going above and beyond her calls of duty with her job on a day-to-day basis, but I see her lifting me out of my little ruts when I get discouraged. Her faith is what made me move to Whistler and it is what keeps me here. Like I mentioned in a previous blog, I find it difficult to just be without much direction or purpose so I often face doubts as to whether or not this is where I should be right now.
I want to publicly praise Cori for keeping so much faith for me when I lose it, and for believing in, what she likes to call, fate (what I like to call God but our difference of personal spirituality is a whole other story) for doing its job that everything will work out in the end. I see how that faith carries her through the difficult moments she may have with her job and it's the same faith in her that doesn't expect any recognition for what she is doing - she just does it selflessly because it's the right thing to do.
Cors, I wouldn't have wanted to move into this disorganized and scattered temporary life with anyone else in the entire world - not even Riley. You came at the right moment (like always cause God is really rad) and somedays, it's only the faith that you have in me that gets me out of bed in the morning. I wish I could say I have that strength all on my own but I think God is giving it to me... through non-other but you. ♥

the place i'm in

So I know that the tourist-hot-spot, Whistler, is one of those places that, if you've heard anything about it, are Canadian, have visited, and/or ski/snowboard, you've probably, but not certainly, considered how incredible it would be to live here - to be a "local." Not certainly, meaning not everyone who fits into one or more of those categories likes the lifestyle that Whistler has to offer. I, for one, never considered it to be a place I would want to live; it's cold, the party and drug lifestyles are overwhelming, I would miss the ocean, I'm not into skiing or snowboarding... etc.
So whyyyy did I move here? Haaha
Well I think it's because I was meant to. Haven't truly figured out why I was meant to yet and I'm sure I never will. The Big Man Upstairs has interesting and ironic ways of directing us to eventually develop into the person he's designed us to be.
It kinda all started with the creation of my bucket list. I wrote it approximately two years ago and since then, some things have been checked off, such as getting a tattoo, meeting mickey mouse, wearing red lipstick, getting an x-ring... and some other things have been removed from the list out of the fact that I just don't really care to complete them anymore. For example, "Go to Paris and see the Eiffle tower." I'm not so big into Europe tourism at all and I think French people can be quite brutal. I just put it there cause I wrote the list around the same time Lesley went for her visit to Paris so I was being a copy-cat. Umm... jeeze off-topic-Sally here just rambling...
So my bucket list includes: "Live in the mountains and learn to ski or snowboard" and long story short, I basically fell here. Even the day before I moved, having learned that one of my roommates was a pro-snowboarder and that we have snowmobiles in the back yard, I just kinda shrugged and seeing the looks on Riley and Gordy's faces, I suddenly realized I have very little appreciation for what I am about to embark on. It just so happened that Cori and I were both so conveniently able to live here - that things fell into place, so to speak, and so I thought "why not?" I now know why people who move here stay way longer than they plan - it's cause it's freaking unbelievable. Even if you don't have a passion for the culture of "shredding the nar" and/or don't do drugs, this place is still beyond belief. I realized it's because of the people who are here - everyone who lives in Whistler, does so because they want to and for no other reason. Rarely people come to Whistler because their job or their school drags them here. It's quite the opposite - try living here and doing something long-term-productive with your time. It's just not really like that. It's about the spirit of living, and friendship, and doing what you love with the people you love. It's about last-minute decisions, days off, movies and hot chocolate at night, inside jokes, and the freedom to be totally you. I am so unreal corny... But it truly is like a version of Disneyland. A happy place for happy people with a bunch of small, part-time jobs and scattered schedules.
I got three myself: cashier job at Shoppers, promotions job at Tommy Africa's, and a job doing Kokanee Apres.
So now that I'm settled in with jobs and such, my stay here has already increased from 6 weeks to... undetermined. Funny how that happens.
Like I said, I don't know how this adventure fits into the big picture of my life and who knows, maybe it doesn't really do much at all for me in the long haul. But I like to believe every step we take is an important part of the journey even if it feels kind of pointless... like me living here. I have a problem with just letting myself be without much direction so this book I've been reading by Regina Brett gave me some insight (obviously right when I needed it the most... when else?):
It's scary to make major changes, but we usually have enough courage to take the next right step. One small step (paying one months rent here), then another (getting a job), then another (making friends). That's what it takes to raise a child, to get a degree, to write a book, to do whatever it is your heart desires. What's your next right step? Whatever it is, take it.

to love and be loved is the greatest happiness of life.

I can't say that I hated my experience in Vancouver...................

Actually, yes I can: I hated my experience in Vancouver.
Okay to be completely fair, I lived in New Westminster which isn't Vancouver at all but if someone from Nova Scotia asks you "so, where are you living?" when you're living in New Westminster, it's just easier to say "Vancouver" especially considering I only really went to New Westminster to eat, sleep, and pack my lunches for the day.
& also, to say that I hated that experience is not to say that I hate Vancouver... it's a city. Maybe I just don't like cities, right?
& it also must be noted that has nothing to do with some of the wonderful people I was able to get to know while I was there. I consider each one a blessing. But when I wasn't in NewWest eating, sleeping, and packing my lunches for the day, I was studying, and in class, and on the rare occasion, you may have found me enjoying myself at church or getting together with my sister, or a handful of other great people, for coffee. Life went from being people-centered to people-absent. Tragic. Despite having met good people, when I reflect back on the past semester, most of my memories are flooded with sadness. I either couldn't make time for them or I could but I just didn't want to because I was so tired of trying to impress; I was exhausted of feeling like I needed to be somebody... like being myself is no longer good enough. And I'm not going to lie, having moved only a 1.5h drive North of Vancouver to the much smaller community of Whistler, I realize that Kelly was right when she said "from what I've heard, Vancouver is a bit pretentious. I heard you have to have like 7 incredible and unique hobbies for people to be impressed with you."
I hate to say that was the vibe I was getting.
I have to disagree with the people who think I didn't give it enough of a chance. Considering I made it my mission almost every day I was there to just adapt, as Sarah suggested I start doing, I don't think I didn't give it enough of a chance. I think it's that "Vancouver," used as a general term to include the people, the surroundings, the activity, the public transportation, the scenery, the livelihood, etc., really just didn't love me enough. Not that some particular people didn't show me love. Maybe just that I didn't feel like that real me needs freedom to just be... without expectation. I don't like performing for people. I don't like "showy." I like when people bare their emotions and dependance and quest for companionship. Not many people that I encountered in Vancouver did that and I'm living with one of the few right now so it kinda goes to show how important it is to me. I'm sure if I had spent more time with some people, more could have happened in that sense. Hence why I decided to apply to UBC and give it another shot - perhaps a better one. One equiped with the knowledge of what kind of world the city is.
There, I said it. I'm a spoiled brat that wants to be loved wherever she goes. So forgive me for my high expectations, and for being a complete emo, but I'm simply tired of being in a world where expectation is present but love is absent.
I wrote this in a poem my first month back to school for my Senior year at X and it speaks volumes into why this Rena didn't feel great in that Vancouver:

i feel i lose a piece of me
when acknowledgment is absent
i can't explore the inner being
and i end up feeling resentment
i try to change the shape i am
so i can fit into the hole that's been cut for me
but nothing about this hole
truly lets me see
the deeper version of me
begging to be free
begging to be seen
eye to eye
nose to nose
toe to toe
heart to heart

Hrm.
Love is the air I breathe, and moving to Vancouver & feeling deprived of it made me realize how vital it is in my life.
So there.
Take it as you will. I know there are people who read my blog and understand me and there are people who don't and the latter are probably so annoyed that I think I have the right to boast about this secret inside of me. It's like when I tried reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and he started his book with all these things that make you feel as though understanding his philosophy is your express pass to this exclusive group. Well... I didn't understand his philosophy at all so it just annoyed me that he thought he was better than me.
I don't think I have some sort of secret that everyone deep-down desires. I know some people are quite content where they are. I know that my deep emotional side can also be detrimental in my life (hence my bad experience with living in a big city of nameless faces deprived of potential love). I just needed to publicly acknowledge the probable explanations for my negative experience with a city that is reportedly one of the top 10 best cities in the world to live in. It's either that or sit here in confusion like I have been: "What am I missing here?"

new-year hype.

I'm so sorry but I have a real problem with the hype revolving around a new year. Hear me out... I tried taking a good attitude this year about it. I had plans to do the whole dress-up-&-go-out thing with my LOVES in Halifax but fate took a twist and I ended up in Calgary (pause: Riley was in a snowboarding accident - could have been brutally bad and was for a few days but god is pretty awesome & riley is doing just fine now walking with a cane & waiting for a routine brain surgery sometime closer to the summer).
So I'm not saying I don't like an excuse to dress up all pretty and take pictures with the people I love the most and dance the night away and shout "HAPPY NEW YEAR" in sync with everyone. I think that part is really quite special but I also think it demonstrates our society's need for social bonding because the fact is, when you wake up on January 1st, nothing has changed. People with sick relatives wake up and their relatives are still sick, that application you had to write is still due, and the fight you had with your boyfriend didn't magically disappear (luckily Riley and I avoided fighting since I got here despite his major uncomfortability and my bratiness about not being at home - but I'm just speaking in general terms here).
It's not that I'm not totally enlightened by all the life-changing status updates about beginning 2011 [insert sarcasm], it's just that I don't see the difference between beginning a new year and beginning a new day. If it actually changed something other than the calendar on your wall, I may be convinced it's worth spending that $50 on the ticket to that thing you went to (and totally don't remember). Like I said, I'm not saying I don't buy into the hype: I'm just questioning the legitimacy of it all when, at the end of the day, everything remains and the pressure to change on January 1st is too great for most people to even flinch.
I had to buy a new journal (because my old one became tiresome) & my first entry was December 18th. I actually gave it a title, which is totally embarrassing - fresh start.
"Don't we always say that this year we're going to be better than the last? We use January 1st as some sort of fresh start or reconciliation for our past mistakes . As if starting this journal, or a new work-out plan, etc., on January 1st, as opposed to December 18th or March 7th or June 28th, is going to make it easier for me to commit to it... I really don't need a Jan 1st to feel like I'm getting a FRESH START - all I need is the sun to rise, and the confidence that I've been made right to know I can do all things through the strength I've been given"
I am SUCH a debbie downer right now and I'm totally aware of that. It's not that I don't think people should make new years resolutions. I just think that January 1st shouldn't be given so much credit. It's a socially constructed notion of a new beginning that doesn't actually exist. If you want a new beginning, you don't even have to go to sleep and wait for the sun to rise. Where you are in your life is an ideal condition for change.
How relieving.

causal petty complaining.

i'm sorry i know i literally JUST posted a blog today (PFFT whatever who ever wrote a manual on when and what you can blog?! i'm a bamf so don't worry about it)... but i just have to express how delighted i am that i never have to deal with these poor excuses of paper-towel dispensers all over sfu campus.
the only person more stupid than the person who invented these so-called "no-touch" dispensers, is the person who actually decided it would be a good idea to use the design all over a university campus. it would have been more worth your pennies, sfu, to put wooden spools all over campus.
at least it would go better with the broken-stall-door theme.

slumber party small talk.

I just love this.
Last night, Cori so lovingly picked me up from the King-George Skytrain and we headed to Langley for the night at the house she's house-sitting. It was the first time I would get to meet her best friend, Marne, even though I totally felt like we were already friends. Cori's cousin, Shelby, was there too and as girls do, we didn't take long to get socially cozy.
Our itinerary for the night was making rice crispy squares, drinking Bailey's in hot-chocolate (with marshmallows) and watching Elf (apparently I have a striking resemblance to Buddy from Elf) but like any occasion where you put 4 girls in the same room, three of which don't really know each other, the easy and obvious point of conversation revolves around the one small topic of the boy in your life, not in your life, or... don't know if he's... in... your life...?
It is just so funny. For the four of us all in very very different places or stages with our point-of-interest-man, we all had basically the same thesis of our stories (yes I said that - in school-mode still for sure).
No, it wasn't that they suck.
It was that the moment your "thing" turns into "something" (bless us if they even admit that much) this one little thing is sparked in them. Call it pride, call it protection, call it an emotional blockage... or just call it a pain in the ass. I'll admit some men don't have this but from my experience, all the ones under the age or 24 have it. It's the phenomenon of cat and mouse that when the woman gives too much or shows too much affection, men back off. They play mysterious and hard to get; they're unattainable; they're too busy. But here's the kicker - that at the end of the day they still "really care about you" so all of a sudden, we feel bad that we put so much pressure on our need for them to actually express that. We start off feeling mad at them for being distant, but then we feel bad that we got so "uptight."
John Gray says it well: "Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed" Ummm yes, but can I attach a second part to that sentence?: "Therefore, they'll do what they need to to continue feeling that way."
So brutal guys. So... so brutal. You know you can all hide it very well... you're need for us, that is. But not forever...
Truth be told, they're the ones who are uptight. It just doesn't actually manifest itself until they feel a real threat in having you. Because when you finally get sick of lowering yourself so he can feel like he's helping you, and you finally back off and say "wait a minute... I don't actually need you the way you're making me think I do..." then the smoke detector goes off in his head and he's groveling all of a sudden. By then, it doesn't even feel good because we're already over it.
So what the heck?
So goes life and love and relationships [after the honeymoon stage]? In really different ways, it was the same story for all of us. I'm sure there are many relationships out there that don't exhibit these strange cycles and there are probably a lot that exhibit them but only to a very small extent. And women are guilty too! The actual second part of John Gray's quote was, "women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished." If the second part wasn't as true as the first, the first part wouldn't be such a problem because in their display of needing-to-feel-needed, we end up feeling un-cherished and therefore, just plain poopy. So should we compromise our need to feel cherished? Or should they compromise their need to feel needed? It would be nice to meet somewhere in the middle but I have a feeling that's not as easy as I just made it sound...
I am truly under the impression that this only ends when you have kids because then both the man and the woman's needs are met by children who need their dad and cherish their mom. Either that or the fact that mom and dad are too busy thinking about the tikes to think about their own senses of masculinity and femininity.
So I don't really have a conclusion. I'm sure John Gray will though. I plan on starting to read his book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, today!
I'll let you know if I find the answers but for now, I think John Mayer speaks volumes into the man's soul:

i was made to believe that i'd never love somebody else
made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself...

...half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time...

...half of my heart is a shot-gun wedding
to my bride with a paper ring
and half of my heart is the part of a man
who's never truly loved anything

what ever happened to predictability?

the newsman,
the paperboy,
the evening tv?

I see my spontaneity in California was not just a phase.
Rena life update as of late:
Moving to Whistler with the beautiful Cori Poole and apparently learning to RIIIIDE (thanks to Riley for his Christmas present to me - a Snowboard). But first, home for Christmas!













Yup. Moving here.

sup with me? sup with YOU!?

I just wanna know sup with everyone.
I think that's one of my biggest flaws but ironically, at the same time, one of my greatest attributes. I mean, I don't really care sup with you like, sup this weekend? sup for christmas? sup with John and Kate?
I really care more about sup with YOU... who you are... what you love... what you hate... why you say this... why you say that...

So basically, I really rule people out of my life from becoming my best friend if they aren't down with it. I see that as bad news and good news all wrapped up in one. Bad news because I will suffer long spans without those best friend figures; good news because when I finally do find them, and I get to experience their heart, mind, and soul and it's magic. Not only that but then the few really good friends I do have, in little pockets randomly all over the globe, are so spectacularly precious.

I think it's what we were made for. And I don't mean to say that what you have isn't special and what I have is. I'm not saying that at all. I'm suggesting that we were designed for that kind of purposefulness in this big scary society that can't get enough fame, money, power, thrill. I don't think we were designed for complacent relationships that don't bring invaluable joy - I just don't.

That's to different degrees in all people - I get that. I think that's why we've been divided, by some psychological theories, as extroverted and introverted. I don't think that changes our longing to be known, heard, felt, understood and our simultaneous need to know, hear, feel, and understand - both others, and ourselves. So I did one of those personality tests because I always want to know more about who I am - what is it that makes me Rena?
Rena is, under the Idealist temperament, a "Champion." I'll give you a snapshot:

Champions are rather rare, say three or four percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others.

Mmmm. Thank you for that insight. How totally true all of those things are and, for those of you who read my blog or listen to be vent about my heart, Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions.

I think that reveals a lot about why I would take something like a personality test so seriously and try to see the deep revelation contained within it. Sup with me? Why do I do this? Why do I do that? Why do I have these arguments? What can I work on? How can I use my me-ness in the best way possible?

I write this blog with one goal in mind: can everyone please just shed some layers? Just see what happens. I seriously think you'll surprise yourself. Transparency is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful gifts you can give someone. Be you. Let down your guards. Inspire yourself and you'll inspire others. Expose your wounds you beautiful, beautiful soul. If you need to, take time out so you can figure out what those wounds are and who that "you" is. What makes you happy? It can be random things you never even really thought about. For example... maybe you really like bike baskets but you thought they were kinda dorky. Go buy a bicycle basket right now! Whatever it is, I just see it as an opportunity, not a limitation, so don't let fear get in your way.

Suppppp? Please comment if you want to tell me sup with you.

baby, you're a *fire*work*

Take 2 small-town girls with fresh undergrad degrees:
One, strawberry-blonde ambitious and hardworking, responsible, respectable, and dedicated athlete slash aspiring doctor;
The other, a free-spirited, unpredictable, awkward, dramatic and kooky flower-child slash wannabe schoolteacher;
Move them across the country, put them in a basement apartment located in a dingy, ghetto greater-city area together and what do you get?

I'm referring to Holly and myself, if you haven't figured it out.
Holly is never the person I expected to make this transition with. Not that I didn't like her. We were just always acquaintances and rarely much more than party friends or friends-of-friends. I didn't even know very much about her other than the fact that she seemed like one of the most "together" people I associated with, got expelled from the reg in grade 11 (the one time anyone EVER saw a ruffle in her skirt, basically), and that she was a star in Antigonish for excelling in long distance running. When I heard she was coming to Vancouver to take Naturopathic Medicine, I figured it was a decent opportunity to have a buddy with me here when I move. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that she would become one of the very rocks I stand on, or that she would be picking me up in my falls - but she did.

Long story short, this semester has been a bit of a roller-coaster for both of us in realigning our passions and reevaluating our hearts. As a team, we seemed to get through it, but if I'm honest, it's evident who was pulling more weight and I'll give you a hint: it wasn't me. Yeah, Holly puts the "perfect" in perfectionism and while that's the basis of what I saw when we first moved in together, I got a much different picture after about a month.

Yes, Holly gets her shit done. Holly is clean, particular, smart, and so unreal healthy. I mean gimme a break - can I please have that gene that makes you not like junkfood? She's timely, organized, dedicated, and one of the most hardworking people I know. She even makes time for friends and leisure and knows what she wants in life. More than all of that though is a woman of peace, a passion for people, and a thoughtful and honest heart. She is the single most thoughtful person I have ever met. I mean thoughtful like she is constantly thinking about others and how she can help. I.e., pouring my coffee for me every morning, helping me think of solutions to my problems, bringing me my favoriote sushi roll for our Wednesday evening dates, leaving precious notes every day, always letting me hog the bathroom by doing her hair in her room and then subsequently bringing me the flat iron, plugging it in and turning it on because she knows I'm about to straighten my hair...
I honestly could go on forever. She's always warm, always inviting, no matter how shitty her day may have been, always willing to listen to my complaints with an open heart and ready to come up with a reasonable solution.

I have no doubt in my mind that she is going to become the worlds greatest mom, worlds best wife, an olympian, a life-saving doctor, and probably at some point, a Prime MInister of Canada. I'm not tooting her horn, folks. I'm telling it like it is. And on a personal level, if it hadn't been for Holly Van Gestel waiting for me every day when I got home from school (after she decided she wasn't going to continue on her Naturopathic path), so willing and open to help me with anything I needed, I would have been and still would be in rough shape. I think there are a million people out there who would have made a great roommate but none of them would have saved my life the way Holly did. She was perfect for me and in one word, an Angel.

She got me through a rough patch. I'm still in the rough patch but I feel empowered with all the things she left me with. She's leaving me now and I am so beyond thankful for everything she's done for me. Thank you for loving me and all my flaws in-spite of your togetherness and perfection. Thanks for accepting me - smudges and all. I will always love you, roomie.