home is where the heart is

It's a fact: I've got ants... in my pants. I'm a nomad. I have no "home." My friends and lovers exist all over the world and I cannot stay in one place for any period of time. My 1.5 months in Whistler that turned into 8 months has now turned into 6. About two weeks ago I had terrible insomnia and by the time 6am rolled around mind really started wandering. It really started hitting me that as wonderful as my life in Whistler has been, and as much as I feel I never want to leave, there is something significantly missing from my life. I wrote an e-mail that's turning my summer around a little bit.
In 2007 I went on a website called campstaff.com and filled out an application to become a camp counselor and that small act led to others that landed me by myself in Maryland, USA unpacking two suitcases in a cabin at an unfamiliar camp that I knew no one at. It was one of those things in life that you really feel like you had no part in. I filled out the application, wrote the e-mails, had the phone interview, and booked my flight, but it still felt like there was something outside of me leading me to this place where I would begin a very important journey. I left there feeling like that chapter was over but sure enough I found myself there again one year later - this time with a handful of returning staff that I could call my friends. Two summers as a camp counsellor, I thought, was enough. I got my fill of "being a kid," not really making a whole lot of money, and acting like an insane person day after day (because at camp, it's encouraged).
Since my last summer at Sandy Hill, I haven't had significant experience working with kids. I definitely had a few small volunteering opportunities here and there, but nothing like the 24/7 type of hours I had with camp. There is something so incredibly fulfilling about waking up at 5:30am, getting as much coffee and adult/alone time as I can before reluctantly dragging myself to staff meeting, listening to the incredible camp director say "Be AMAZING Today," and then waking up a cabin full of sleepy-headed 12-year old girls and then continuing your day by dressing up, playing games, being enthusiastic, and trying to stay sane. The Friday they leave is probably the most fulfilling when those same girls share with you how much you mean to them and how they will never forget you (despite how annoyed they were when you obnoxiously woke them up every day at 7:15am).
After three years with the idea in my head that I'd never be returning, I am going back to Sandy Hill for weeks 5-8 in 2011. I am sadly leaving the free and good life in Whistler, BC and flying 4000km because I am obsessed with kids. It just really hit me that these opportunities are far and few in between these days. Here's to taking advantage of any that come my way.
This is camp.
This is camp.
This is camp.
This is camp.
This is camp.

wake up & throw this mug of hot coffee on your face

It's been so long since my last entry. I'm lacking in inspiration. Getting settled, comfortable, numb.
This one is for my die-hard romance fans. For those of us relentlessly and futilely chasing a feeling we know of only from the movies. For when we are feeling skinny, sexy, and on top of the world, and for the days that we are feeling fat, ordinary, and extremely empty. This is for girls, like me, that find good intentions just don't go far enough. For the single, taken, swept-up-off-your-feet, and heart-broken. For girls who would rather fix their make-up than try and fix what's going on. For the ones who have hardened their hearts to the possibility of love. For the ones in the dreaming stages at 12 and 13, and for those who have pursued but have no pursuit left in them.
I'm looking forward to the day when I can wise-up, give Him the pen, & let him write.
For all my works-in-progress...

"The One who knows you better than you know yourself, and who loves you more than you can comprehend, wants to take you on a journey.
This journey is for anyone who is searching for the beauty of true and lasting love, for romance in its purest form, and who is willing to do what ever it takes in order to find it. This journey is for anyone who has made mistakes, whether small or big, and said, "It's too late for me to discover that kind of love."
It's a journey for anyone who is tired of the same old scene of physically intense relationships, devoid of meaning and purpose.
This journey is for anyone who will dare to dream beyond the cheap and diluted romance our culture offers and hold out for an infinitely better way. This journey is for the skeptic, who doubts that such a way exists.
No matter where you are or where you have been, this invitation is for you. The very One who is the Author of all true love and romance is standing before you, asking you gently, Will you let Me write your love story?"
Leslie Ludy

call me up if you are gangsta'

I was going to make this blog attached to the last one but I decided these people are way too special to not get their own spotlight (I know right? I'm so frigging nice). So I'll introduce my life for the next 8 months. This is the first thing I see when I leave the house to go to work in the village. Not too shabby. I live in a house which is known by some locals as The Art Barn. It's got a whole lot of history and actually looks like a barn. Annnnd here is my corny break-down of my roommates who I can't go without noting as the most significant reason I chose to stay for as long as I am. Meet Cori. Again. Obviously the cutest little muffin ever? But don't let her cuteness decieve you. This girl blows my mind away with her maturity and wisdom sometimes. She admits when she's wrong. She's a lover, not a fighter (and if those words were ever true about someone it's Cori), she knows how to take life's punches in stride, and her pieces of art will make your jaw drop (mainly her writing, clothing design, and vision). She is a heart-stealer at first glance & choses to not be obvious and generic about basically everything. That's Cori. Oh yeah - the reason we even found this house (Kudos to her incredible networking skills). Then there is the other Lassie in the house, Brittany. Clearly Whistler's biggest goof-ball. She always knows how to lighten the mood and never fails to keep things entertaining and interesting. She may be the easiest target in the house but she is definitely the most loved. It's easy to love a girl who brightens the room just by walking in it but what separates Brittany from the handful of other girls I know who can do that is how endearing she is about virtually everything. Whether it's nutrition, boys, school applications, or money, she's always looking for advice. And who doesn't like being asked for advice? It makes you feel helpful. She's got the greatest attitude and an amazing sense of humor. She never fails to make the house laugh. Ah-mazing. Then you've got Chris Rasman. Need I say more? Just google him. Hahahaaa. no but seriously. This guy is the man. He was the first person in the house to make an effort to welcome Cori and I to the house. He's this insane ball of ADHD energy who will physically just dart off mid-conversation to never return. The house always seems quiet when he goes off to Japan or wherever for his snowboarding career, and we don't wake up to his stomp-run up and down the stairs in the morning. I can sense the same energy when I see films of him doing what he loves to do (and getting paid for it). And while Chris has talent up the ying-yang, I mean it when I say, you would never know if you didn't already know. He's incredibly humble and one of the most genuinely friendly people. Every time we go anywhere together, it never fails to amaze me how many people he knows, but more importantly, how good he is at making sure he's introduced me to everyone of them. Yay for breaking stereo-types. Then we have our token Aussie of the house, Drew, best known in the Art Barn as Drewpie, who is sadly leaving at the end of May. Drew keeps to himself probably the most in the house because he is out working and riding more than any of us and he probably finds us annoying most of the time when he is here and just wants peace. But my favorite thing about Drew, other than the Tim-Tam's he so willingly shares with me, is that when he is there, I can always count on getting a good laugh. His Aussie sense of humor is exactly what the house needs when one of the girls comes home all filled with estrogen complaining about X and freaking out about Y, and it feels like the world is coming down around them. One time, when we were having a [very serious] argument about who uses the most amount of toilet paper, Drew pipes in with "well I don't even shit at home. I get paid to do that." Brilliant. Drew never judges, never complains, is never too serious, and always does his dishes. What more could you ask for in a roommate? Every house needs a Jon-Frye. Every house. Seriously, if you don't have a Jon-Frye, I feel sorry for you. He is the glue that holds this house together literally and figuratively. Okay I'll admit, he may come across as an ass on first impression (Example: the first e-mail I got from him that almost ripped my heart out of my chest). But give Jon a chance and he'll fix anything, do anything, and go to great lengths to keep everyone in the house happy. We don't call him Auntie-Jon for no reason- he takes care of all the admin stuff for the house and is a true Art-Barn and Whistler veteran. Jon may have the final say in the house decisions but he is always the man to lean on when you've had a bad day or the one to lend you milk when you've run out. He goes out of his way to take care of his kids (us) and does an amazing job.
I love this house. But not because it's old, artistic, in an amazing location, and affordable. I love this house because of the way every member of it brings something so great to the table. I have someone to turn to for every need, and from the bottom of my heart, I feel like I've been blessed to live with the best 5 people in Whistler. If I just told you all about them, there really is nothing else to say (unless of course you would like me to go into full detail with how amazing it is to be a cashier at shoppers drug mart).
Ciao for now.

"it's like high-school for 25-year-olds"

So yesterday I had a big catch-up chat with Seymour (much-needed) & realized not only am I terrible at staying in touch with my good friends and keeping up even with basic monthly Skype dates, but I'm also terrible at keeping my acquaintances* in the loop (*not to sound like I think I'm so popular but I'm talking about all the people I met through camp, traveling California, and through St. FX that I wouldn't exactly call my best buds but are definitely still on the "Awesome People I Know" list). Sarah is still in the Maritimes and since I'm not, she told me she's run into some people who ask about how I am doing. Good thing all I ever talk about on this blog is the deepest emo part of my soul. Never just your regular, everyday, normal blog stuff. No wonder no one reads it? It's a gorgeous day outside but alas, I've finished all the things I need to do for the day and am settling to enjoy the sun comfortably in my room via the window. So here goes my little update for all of you out there who may be wondering:
I am awesome. I am comfortable, I am happy, & I'm at peace. I just found out where I'll be in September (UBC for education - woop) and for now, I am enjoying my 8 months of school/stress/reality-free state. What do I mean by reality-free? I mean exactly what it sounds like. Anyone who has ever moved to a resort destination can attest to the feeling that you live in an escape... a snow-globe. This is where people come for vacation to put their feet by the fire, to get a buzz off red wine, and to spend their days ripping through the mountains and forget about the worries they left at home. Doctor's and lawyers who are worn down and tired of the day-to-day drag and stresses of their careers come to Whistler for longer periods to work in dish-pits at minimum wage because it's nicer to leave their work at work, or better yet, some rich people may come here for a year or two and not work at all. People in their twenties come after high school for a season and stay for 10. While I don't have the love for skiing or snowboarding like most people, I came and am staying for many of these other reasons. It's the same reason I got a job as a cashier at a drugstore and not a serving job at a fancy restaurant. This is my break from reality and it's really nice for the change but definitely not forever.
What I love about living in Whistler is walking 25 minutes down a gorgeous trail to work, living beside a beautiful lake, and the fact that everyone seems to be in such good cheer all the time. Being able to see familiar faces, and stop and talk to people, everywhere I go reminds me of the library at X during exam time (but minus the stress and exam part). Everyone is welcome to everyone else's house and people that you may see at the bar at night might be the same people you pass on the trail (or the mountain if you prefer) during the day.
What I don't love about Whistler? Other than the ridiculous prices for basic necessities, such as food, only one thing: my great lack of growth. Sorry to get all negative-Nancy but this is the major flaw with trying to settle in a place that's an escape from reality. It's like my 9 weeks at camp. It's fun and wonderful and amazing and makes you feel all warm inside but there is a strange lack of purpose and growth when you wake up every day feeling so comfortable. In my most uncomfortable states in life, I was learning the most about myself. Hence why this is so temporary. It was only suppose to be a few months but it ended up being the full 8 that I'll be here. I think that'll be just perfect before I go back to face the books (and the classroom) and start my next chapter.
Read my next blog for my break down on my day-to-day life here in Whis, and the people that make it as sweet as it tends to be.

just to clarify:

I've had more than one person tell me that my little comment about being over the honeymoon stage in relationships in my blog entry, "fighting pride," bothered them.
I just want to say to all of my fans friends that came out the wrong way! I still LOVE all those "over-the-honeymoon-stage" people just the same as I always have. It's just that when I get too close to people, I become more comfortable and less selfless... I try less to be humble with them and think more about how they can be of benefit to me. It in no way implies that I am sick or bored of them or don't feel they are important to me anymore. The opposite is true. It's the after-the-honeymoon-comfort phase that brings my feelings of affection to a new and different pique - one that's more challenging, but in a good way.
Just to clarify...

new directions

So one time in about 2008, I constructed a bucket-list. I heard that writing your goals down, as opposed to just thinking about them, make them much more likely to happen. They say that to make your life what you want it, it's important, once in a while, to write down short-term and long-term goals or aspirations. I think it's also important, as I'm currently learning, to revise and edit the ones you may have made. Three years have passed since I made this list and those three years have blessed me with people and experiences alike that have inspired me beyond this petty list of self-glorifying "treats" that I wish to attain. A few incredible people in particular have unintentionally caused me to re-evaluate my goals and aspirations.
I realized how my direction has shifted the other day when I asked a girl where she got her beautiful scarf. I was expecting your typical response but what I got was a nose-in-the-air-"it's Louis Vuitton."
Hrm. Well exxxxxcuuuuseee me, my frand. You think just because I am wearing this Shoppers Drug Mart cashier uniform, that I wouldn't be able to afford something from that store... anything for that matter? Pff.
Truth be told, it was in that moment I realized I would never want anything of the sort. I truly am not saying that because it's out of my budget. It's on my bucket list to "own something genuinely Louis Vuitton"... why? When I watch shows like Real Housewives or Keeping up with the Kardashian's or even worse, Sweet 16 (because they happen to be playing in the room next door *cough* not because I actually like them), I actually feel sick to my stomach. It somehow use to be out of jealousy that I know I will never live in such luxury as the people in these shows do. Now, I watch out of complete pity in the fact that they will never really understand where true joy comes from because their lives are incredibly cluttered with want-need-must-have and the very fixtures that light their rooms are worth more than what could sustain a poor family in a poverty-stricken country.
As much as I can't help but feel sick when I watch these people literally wiping their asses with $100 bills, I once was in a place where I genuinely thought money was cool.Thanks to this one man in particular, my focus has completely shifted and I no longer see money as cool - I see it as something that should be used to sustain our basic human needs. Every day Riley teaches me how little we need to survive. He lives more modestly than most people I've met in my life and surprisingly I think it's worked in his advantage because he tends to get a lot of free things. His lucky horse-shoe, which I have yet to find, is another story though. Thanks, Riley, for showing me what true "value" looks like. I know I have a long way to go. Especially when I take little trips into Vancouver and remember how undesirable my wardrobe looks most days or how convenient it would be to have an iPhone in my purse. I say that in hopes you realize I am not being completely self-righteous by posting this. I truly am very thankful for my ever-evolving state and the fact that spiritual wisdom can be transformed in part by the wonderful influences in my life. Hoping it may spark something in you too, no matter where you may be. So, with this shift in direction comes an edited bucket list. If you're interested, you can have a peek.
Cheers.

. Have a window seat in my future house .
. See a National Park in Utah (preferably Bryce) .
. Go to the Philippines to meet my sponsor child, Laarne .
. Sky-Dive and/or Bungee Jump .
. Pierce something other than my earlobe . [check]
. Learn Sign Language .
. Get a tattoo . [check]
. Take a pottery class .
. Own a pug .
. Do missions .
. Make a scrap-book about my life journey (all the big moments) .
. Make a play-list where each song stands for a pivotal moment in my life .
. Write and record one good song .
. Send an anonymous care package to someone who needs it .
. Get and STAY in shape .
. Make a vow and keep it forever .
. Meet Mikey Mouse . [check]
. See RK in concert again . i think that phase has had it's time. rk will always hold a special place in my heart but this is an unnecessary goal
. See Hillsong in Australia United . [don't have to travel to Australia to see them]
. See Paris . [i was over this before i even finished writing it down. pff paris. you can come to me if you want.]
. Own a genuinely vintage dress . [check]
. Go back to Sandy Hill camp .
. Use "Xavier" as a middle name for one of my children .
. Get an X-ring . [check. woop.]
. Learn how to solve a Rubix Cube . [for pure bragging rights really. now realizing by the time i actually do this, i'll probably have a husband and kids to brag about.]
. Get a grad degree .
. Stay in the South for an all-inclusive vacation at a resort (+add) if i'm fortunate enough to have the opportunity . [hey, if my children someday wanna take me on one, i'm not gunna complain.]
. Go on a cruise . [it's just okay if these things don't happen.]
. Share a kiss in a hot-air balloon .
. Build a tree-house .
. Get a flip-flop tan .
. Have a breakfast nook in my future house .
. Get a motorcycle license and own a motorcycle .
. Learn how to whistle through my fingers . [check. haven't perfected it but it's a process.]
. Perform a random act of kindness for a homeless person .
. Volunteer at a homeless youth shelter .
. Have confetti fall on my head
. Own a (+add) new (as opposed to used and crappy) espresso machine .
. Own a black leather coat . [pleather will do just fine.]
. Practice meditation .
. Be HOLY .
. Own a cottage . [and if that happens to be a cabin beside the water, it's a cottage.]
. Volunteer at L'arshe a home for special needs . [special needs is special needs.]
. Volunteer at a nursing home .
. Own something that is real Louis Vuitton . [point in case.]
. Learn how to Ski/Snowboard and live in the mountains . [living part, check. learning part, half-check.]
. Sleep on flower pedals . [you gotta try that one]
. Change someone's life . [someone checked this off in my room so... check? don't know who it was but its all relative. apparently i changed someone's life.]
. Learn how to BBQ . [getting there...]
. Wear bright red lipstick . [check]
. See a(n)penguin elephant up-close (touchride it!) .
. Go to a talk-show (like Tyra) .
. Go black-water rafting in New Zealand .
ADD:
. When an opportunity arises for me to genuinely make a difference in someone's life through monetary giving, be genuinely uncomfortable to help them (aka. give money to someone who needs it no matter how "poor" I may feel at the time) .
. Live and work in an underdeveloped country sacrificing comforts like running water and electricity .
. Learn how to live humbly in all areas and phases of my life .
. Befriend someone that initially does not interest me; find the positive .
. Create Christmas traditions that truly revolve around giving and thanksgiving when I have children one day .
. Become a teacher .
. Read the entire bible .

fighting pride

I was at work yesterday and after having done all of my spectacular cashier duties including "facing" (such a thrilling task if you haven't tried it) and cleaning, I picked up a copy of this months Fitness , mainly because I was intrigued by one headline in particular: It definitely caught my attention especially because of this particular phase in my life (living in Whistler, where everyone skis or snowboards ~4 days a week, working 3 part-time jobs) I've been feeling a bit under-motivated. What do I fill my time with before my 4:15 start on a Tuesday? Beats me but I always seem to somehow feel rushed. It's one of those times, again, where I have to dig a little deeper and find something to wake up for in the morning. For example, this morning I asked Cori to wake me up at 9 before she left for work. She came in and said "Rena. It's 9. But I wouldn't get up if I were you... you're not missing much." Haha she later told me she woke me up right after she realized she had to clean the snow off her car (AGAIN) and was feeling a bit bitter at the time. It's like you have about 20 thing you could think of doing but none of them are life-defining in any way. I really wanted to read that book. I really want to send my mom this care-package. I really need to do some laundry. I really should go for a jog. Maybe I'll go to that free yoga on Tuesdays... youuuuuu get the idea...
So I picked up this mag thinking it couldn't hurt. In it, I found the secret of "Mantra's." It's derived from Buddhism but its idea is simple: just repeat a phrase in your head to make yourself do something, overcome something, or feel something, that might not come as naturally as sleeping-in. Really, not that special. But it got me thinking.
The examples the article used were mostly pertaining to working out or relieving stress such as "I am strong" or "I embrace life," but it made me think about areas in my life I'm finding hard to change direction - the parts that really bother me. How I treat people on a day-to-day basis is something I would like to change; I tend to get exasperated with people regularly and very easily. It's not easy to admit but once I've gotten past the honeymoon stage in a friendship with someone, I will ultimately become a bitch. It's a terrible thing to say, I know, but I struggle with putting others feelings and needs ahead of my own. I have this sense of a right of entitlement or worth and it can dramatically effect the way that I treat the people I love the most in my life. I wrote in my journal one day "I feel like the uptight mom who can't even deal with crumbs on the counter. Like, it's crumbs... get over it." This is something that has to change.
So I made a "mantra" per-say. I was thinking of mantra's about humility, and then I was thinking about one's about staying calm. But I realized the most amazing commandment that I have been given in the Bible (which is also one of the two most important) and that's "Love others as well as you love yourself" (The Message version). I remember in Shane Claiborne's book, "The Irresistible Revolution," when he said we don't take this commandment seriously enough. It doesn't just mean giving small parts when we can and when it's convenient for us or whenever we feel good about it. It actually means giving up everything, whether that be money, valuables, or even, yes, our pride, so that we are lowering ourselves in the chance we may lift up someone else. Something I have no concept of doing. So readers, if you pray and talk to God, please help me by praying that I can do that - that I can fight and overcome this deep-seeded pride in me that was planted somewhere along the way. In the mean-time, my Mantra will be "I will Love others as much as I Love myself. God made us equal and I have no superiority. I am a flawed human responsible for serving God's children."

yowwch

I can't complain - I haven't had hardly any injuries. Even Riley was surprised when I admitted to never having broken a bone or having stitches in my life. So no injuries significant enough to blog about... none much different than this one. This is an unblogworthy injury but I've already read through 4 pages of C.S. Lewis quotes plus made a full batch of homemade soup plus painted my fingernails and toenails (X2) plus whined about it as much as I could. Today should be my last "useless" day now.

It's my first back "injury" and it happened during shoveling snow. I enjoy getting out there and acting like a tough girl shoveling snow and all (give me a break - it's a good start, alright?!) but I guess I didn't realize how harmful shoveling snow could be. As my roommate, Jon, put it, I am now a part of a statistic. I guess it happens to a lot of people. I just never really thought about it because I never really had to. For one, I've never had to shovel snow and second, I never had any reason to consider my back to be a vulnerable place of injury. I am not an old and frail woman nor do I subject myself to any crazy activities that could put me at risk (for example, 99% of the people I hang out with in the run of a week who spend 5 days a week skiing or snowboarding... I'm not one of them).
So where did the bruises arise from? Well, that's the point of this blog I guess. As a heed, a warning, a caution. It's the same question that Dr. Demarko asked out loud when he looked at my back: "In my 27 years of practice, never have I seen bruising occur without impact. I guess we'll have to run an x-ray although I don't know how you could have broken a bone... and I'd also like to have you tested for easy bruising." At this point I'm basically laughing only because I would break a bone doing something stupid like shoveling snow... am I that much of a sloth? Geeze.
Well I come up from the X-ray and Dr. Demarko now has a Medical Student looking at the bruise and she pokes it asking how tender it is. Then some other Doctor with ski gear on comes in dripping in snow, has a look, and says "this is strange... did you have snow down your pants?"
It suddenly all comes together. I had iced my back after I came inside and it hurt like hell. Well I guess I iced it too much because I gave myself frost-bite trying to get rid of my pain. We're all feeling a bit like idiots at this point. "So umm you pulled a muscle... go take some robaxacet and chill for a few days"
Typical.
So typical.
So lesson number 1: warm up before shoveling and be careful with your posture and what muscles you use to lift snow.
Lesson number 2: it is possible to over-ice injuries.
News to me.

c.s. lewis quotes = smile; drool; sob; repeat.

Ex.:
"[Repentance] means unlearning all the self-conceit and self -will that we have been training ourselves into... It means killing part of yourself, under-going a kind of death."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

May 31 is my birthday. I want this book and Screwtape Letters. Just sayin'.