perhaps you're here and you're pregnant for the first time - congrats! you've likely been day dreaming about the adorable little fetus inside of you and what he or she will look and be like earth side. you've probably also spent some time pondering what type of parent you'll want to be and started scoping out other new parents you see on the street. you see other moms doing certain things and think "oh i want to be like that. i vibe with that cool parent." from my experience, and from listening to those around me also having babies, there's a really good chance you've started deciding things you will not do as a parent.
"i will be a cool mom" you've probably said to yourself.
"i'm not going to let this human take over my life" you declare with certainty.
well i'm here to tell you that you will almost definitely not be a cool mom (at least not the kind of cool mom you pictured when you first started thinking about having kids) and you absolutely will let the human take over your life. here are some ways that you will inevitably become the lame mom and dad you hoped you wouldn't (and why you won't care).
- you will for sure rub rub your pregnant belly (or your partners pregnant belly). even if you're some of the rare few who resist the temptation to do this in public, as soon as you get into your comfy clothes and are in the secret of your home, you will rub the crap out of your belly in hopes of communicating with your darling child. and you will love it.
- you will take progression pictures of your growing bump. you may not post them all to instagram, but you know the ones you do post get more likes than any other photos you post of seawall sunsets, earnest ice creams, or cherry blossoms and blue skies. you will enjoy the attention.
- you will go on a babymoon. my friend told me the other day she and her husband are taking a trip to hawaii during her second trimester. "oh you're taking a babymoon?" i say in jest knowing full-well she thinks that "babymoons" are super lame. "no, it's not a babymoon! we just want to take a trip and enjoy some independence before the baby arrives!" she replies, naively. "oh, yeah. like a babymoon!" i say, with smug satisfaction.
- you will talk to your child in an ugly voice that's even unrecognizable to your partner. you will speak in third person. when you hear yourself on camera, you will cringe. but you will continue to use that voice when you talk to your baby because he/she will light up when you do, and you will do anything embarrassing for the chance to see that happen.
- on that note, you will also use over-expressive gestures and basically become a walking stand up comedian slash broadway stage performer. especially on those rainy days when the two of you won't leave the house. it will be really important to you that you make your baby lol more than anyone else, and you will go to great lengths to ensure your first place ranking.
- you will also go to those baby sing-song groups and feel sheepish your first time for not knowing the words to the songs. you will be determined to go every week so you can learn all the actions and words to really lame songs so you can feel like the best mom while also looking like a total pro! you will not care that these songs aren't the beatles vinyl you said you would play for your infant in hopes of him/her having really good taste in music.
- your life will become overrun with colourful plastic shit. you won't realize it's happening because it will happen very slowly over time. you will find something plastic and gaudy in every room by the time the baby is 6 months old. you know why? because babies love plastic, gaudy, colourful crap. the uglier, the better. if you are one of those people who ends up buying only organic, wood, neutral coloured crap in determination not to let your life become overrun with the colourful plastic stuff, then have fun singing those broadway songs. all. day. long.
- your social media will become hijacked by pictures of your child. if you are expecting and think for one second you won't post the most basic baby pictures of all times, then you are kidding yourself! even the most all-star-hipster parents who have untarnished instagram feeds, will post the basic pictures of their child. because instagram is about showing off. and your baby is, in your mind, your greatest accomplishment.
- you will stay in more. bonus: you won't have FOMO about it either. you will revel so much in putting your kid to bed and just being able to sit in your underwear, eat chips, and stare at a screen for two hours in silence, that you won't even care what anyone else is doing. after you are done, you will look through all of the photos you took of your child that day with your partner and gush.
- on the times that you do go out, it won't be like it use to. you may spend some time in the bathroom awkwardly with your pump wishing you could find a child to nurse instead of being attached to a machine, and you'll likely leave at 10pm just as people are arriving for dread of waking up the next day (sleep will be too valuable to you to stay out late, even if your caregiver has your child for the night). you will most certainly bring up your child in conversation often, and, as the night goes on, insist on showing the new friends you meet pictures of him/her even though they literally couldn't care less about your child.
and probably the best part about being a lame parent, is having other lame parents around for the party so you know you're never alone. lame. it's the new cool, guys. 😎